I have a little secret to share with you:  I used to be a librarian.  Shhhh!  One of the sad facts for a bibliophile like me is that books seem to be slowly disappearing.  Kindles, eReaders, e-books, and more are taking the place of actual, physical, paper and ink books.  This is especially true when it comes to encyclopedia sets.  Huge, multivolume sets have been replaced by online versions.  Remember plagiarizing World Book for all of your grade school reports?  Now copying the encyclopedia verbatim has become much easier by using the cut and paste features of your favorite word processing system.

My nostalgia for old-school learning brings us today’s Way Back Wednesday infomercial from 1992–the year I graduated from high school with no help from the internet whatsoever.  This advertisement for Encyclopedia Britannica is a bizarre conversation between a young man in Sally Jesse glasses, a voice over man who is not James Earl Jones, and a tv-watching child, whom I suspect is Annie Potts of Designing Women fame:

Now, this infomercial is intended to poke fun at televsion marketing, but it completely fails to sell the product in doing so.  There are no benefits listed, no examples provided–other than to show you that elephants are listed in volume 4, and that they are endangered.  Really, this commercial gives absolutely no incentive to buy the encyclopedia.

Compare the vintage Encyclopedia Britannica to a commercial for the all new Hooked on Phonics Learn to Read system.  This commercial outlines the educational benefits of the program, details what is included with the system, and uses interactivity to engage emerging readers.

Maybe the next generation of readers will revive the book.  Paper pages — how very retro-chic!

*Ten points to you if you got the Animal House reference in the title.

Virtually everyone I know is looking for an easy way to lose weight and burn fat–without diet, without exercise, and without effort.  For years, gimmicks have been around trying to convince people of the next weight loss breakthrough.  In 1984, that “miracle pill” was Grapefruit 45, a supposed weight-loss pill with the fat-burning power of grapefruit.  Get a load of this wooden acting:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqUruR6qjJ8&feature=related

Now, the seen on tv marketers of Grapefruit 45 at least try to inject some honesty into their inflated claims.  For example, after crushing a grapefruit in his fist, the mustachioed spokesman says, “I know a lot of you believe grapefruit burns fat.”  Notice he doesn’t tell the viewers that grapefruit does burn fat; he just says some suckers believe it.   Also note the disclaimer:  “‘Fat Burn’ perception scientifically unsubstantiated.”

I guess these disclaimers give the marketers license to make wild claims like, “I lost 9 pounds the first week,” and, “I already lost 24 pounds, and I never get hungry.”  And of course there’s the lady who used to eat a grapefruit for lunch but now just pops a Grapefruit 45 and eats “delicious foods” and still loses weight.

Today, buyers are much more savvy.  While millions of people are looking for an easy, rapid weight loss approach, most of them know better than to look at a product whose claims of effectiveness are based solely on people’s perceptions.  People are looking for weight loss supplement with ingredients clinically proven to help one lose weight.  Modern seen on TV products such as SBL Lean, Formula 9, and Emagrece Sim combine ingredients designed to boost metabolism and curb appetite.  These new products appeal to our desire for rapid results as well as our knowledge that claims of effectiveness need to be based on scientific fact, not just on the beliefs of the masses.

All that typing made me hungry.  I wonder if there’s a grapefruit around here anywhere . . .

Today’s Way Back Wednesday goes way, way back–all the way to 1979.   Ron Popeil, the founder of Ronco, has been bringing his as seen on tv products to the airwaves for forty years.  With classic infomercial products such as 6 Star Knives and the Pocket Fisherman, Ronco has become a staple in as seen on tv inventions.

One of the early Ronco products was Mr. Microphone, and its infomercial has to be my favorite yet.  Some of the Way Back Wednesday videos are pretty funny, but this one actually made my sides hurt.  Mr. Microphone was a wireless mic designed to broadcast your voice over any FM radio, and guaranteed to liven up any party.  Just watch:

You can see that this karaoke predecessor was perfect for all kinds of people:

• Kids
• Professional Entertainers
• Drunken Party-Goers
• Crazy Dancing Transistor Radio Guys
• Pervy Cat-Calling Potential Kidnappers
• Amateur Roller Derby Teams, including Roller Skating Grandmas!

And at only $14.88, Mr. Microphone was a bargain!  For only a little more than $5 extra, you could order Mr. Microphone II, which also included a radio, batteries, and an 8-foot connecting cord.   I’m sure Mr. Microphone was stuffing all the stockings in December 1979.

On our Way Back Wednesday posts, we’ve looked at a lot of different seen-on-tv products, and we’ve seen the evolution of the television infomercial.  The Mr. Microphone commercial reminds us of a kinder, gentler time, when someone could jive through the park, singing aloud through his transistor radio without being institutionalized, and a man could yell out the car window at innocent bystanders without fear of being added to the national sex offender registry.  Ah, those were the days.

Some of us here at SeenOnTV Express are quite handy (not me).  In fact, one of us (not me) is a terrific carpenter and can build actual furniture–furniture that stands up straight and everything.

(Note:  I made a cookbook shelf in shop class in seventh grade.  For some reason, my mother never hung it on the wall with cookbooks proudly displayed.  I can’t imagine why not.)

Today’s Way Back Wednesday retro infomercial product looks like it actually worked pretty well.  I’ll have to save all my mockery and snarky comments for the commercial script itself.  The Powerdriver is a power screwdriver that was sold on television in 1984.  The Powerdriver had an adjustable head and even adjustable depth to keep you from drilling your screw all the way through the other side.

The Powerdriver infomercial is a veritable gold mine of “But Wait, There’s More!”  With Powerdriver, you also got a 7-piece “nut driver” set (these look like socket wrenches to me, but I’m no carpenter) and a nail driver (which seems impossible, but if it really works, I want one).  In 1986, the Powerdriver set was sold along with the Power Wheel, a sander/saw contraption, an unstoppable tool combination if ever there was one.

Behold the Powerdriver:

Now, I may be lacking in mad skills when it comes to carpentry, but I can promise you this:  I have never tried to hammer a screw, nor have I amputated a thumb with a “fancy” screwdriver.

I love it when the pitchman calls the long screw a “monster that would twist your wrist off the old way.”  Quite dramatic, no?  Another catchy phrase is the reference to a regular screwdriver as a “blister buster.”  And did you  notice the paneling?  It nearly caves in with the force of the Powerdriver!  Go back and watch it.  I’ll wait.

The original Powerdriver does not seem to be available today.  A keyword search for “powerdriver” turns up computer drivers and wrestling moves (did you notice the YouTube comment that says that “Powerdriver” sounds like a heavy metal band?).  However, if today’s Way Back Wednesday has left you with a hankering for power tools, check out the Dual Power Saw Plus.  If you are stuck with your old blister busters, though, try organizing them and keeping them handy with the Tool Bandit.

Now quit reading this and go build something already.