For the past few weeks, we’ve been spotlighting ways to get a prepare for the warmer weather by getting a Springalicious body (it’s a word–feel free to use it).  As women all across America are primping and pruning themselves to bare golden shoulders and smooth, tanned legs, men across our nation are drooling with anticipation.  But as their wives and their neighbors wives and that cute divorcee that just moved in down the street are prepping for swimsuit season, these men have a different type of lust on their minds–lawn lust.

For verily, the unwritten commandment, “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Landscaping,” is being broken in households across the land.  But, lo I say unto you, fear not!  Infomercial lawn care products shall rescue you from the abyss of brown grass, patchy turf, and pernicious weeds, which are an abomination unto thy Homeowners’ Association.

There was a time when having the nicest lawn on the block required heavy, backbreaking labor and the vigilant use of a reel mower, which is, inexplicably making a comeback as a “green” alternative to finishing the yard work sometime before you die of heat stroke.

Lawn care evolution made things both easier and more difficult for Weekend Warriors in their attempt to out-green each other’s landscaping.

Notable Innovation #1:  The Riding Lawn Mower

Notable Innovation #2:  Chemical Lawn Care Services

All of the things that simplified lawn cultivation and made neighborhood yards more lush and lovely, also meant you had to work harder to keep up with Mister-I-Win-the-HOA-Beautiful-Yard-Contest-Every-Year.

Luckily, you no longer have to don a Toreador hat to get “grass with class” or hire a toothy guy wielding a chemically enhanced pogo stick to get the lawn of your dreams.

Infomercial lawn care products include not only tools to maintain a lawn, but also the necessary ingredients to get your lawn started:

• Quick Lawn promises year-round grass that is resistant to weeds, pests, and diseases, and which starts to grow in as little as one week.
• Canada Green Perfect Turf Grass is designed to be resilient, withstanding extreme temperatures ranging from -40 degrees to 120 degrees Fahrenheit.
• Patch Perfect bills itself as “like grass seed on steroids” with each seed encased in fertilizer to promote quick, hardy growth in bare patches, shade, and other areas where typical grass struggles to grow.

As seen on TV grass seed, turf patches, and fertilizers can give you a beautiful, weed-free yard that will be the envy of your neighbors–and might induce their Springalicious wives to show up at your next barbecue baring–er, bearing potato salad and brownies.

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