I’m intrigued by the Flex Seal commercial.  You know, the one where the guy makes a boat out of a screen door by sealing it with the  liquid rubber sealant?

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCKbowib9I4

I’m amazed.  Awestruck.  I totally want to get a screen door and see if I can make it float.

That’s one of the things I love about infomercial product demonstrations.  Not only do they point out the difficulties in every day tasks (“Why, now that you mention it, my blanket IS complicated.”), but they show you how effective a product is by using it for a purpose no one will ever need.  Like making a boat out of a screen door–which, now that I think of it, might be a good idea in case of flooding.  I wonder how Hurricane Irene would stand up to Flex Seal?

Intentional misuse of As Seen on TV products for demonstration purposes has been around as long as infomercials themselves.  The original Ginsu knife infomercial from 1978 shows the knife being abused in all sorts of ways.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abLB7aTmnE4

Let’s see . . . I can use my Ginsu knife to:

1. Cut an aluminum can, because you never know when you might need slices of aluminum.
2. Slice bread so thin you can see through it, because who really wants bread interfering with their sandwich?
3. Chop wood, because using a knife is totally easier than using an ax.

You can even hammer your Ginsu knife.  What better way to take out kitchen aggression than hammering the handle of your utensils?

Ginsu may have started the Product Abuse as Demonstration, but they sure aren’t the only ones to effectively utilize this technique.

Krazy Glue takes job site safety to new . . . heights.

• Mighty Putty can pull an 80,000 pound tractor trailer.
• Miracle Blade III can slice a pineapple.  In mid-air.
• The Blendtec blender can pulverize your cell phone.
• The Oreck and Dyson vacuums can pick up a bowling ball.
• Speaking of bowling balls, you can drop one on a Simmons Beautyrest mattress without knocking over the pins.

And just watch the first few seconds of this Billy Mays OxiClean commercial:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jkwQV_5Kb0

You can remove stains from a bowl of water.  A BOWL.  OF WATER.

Amazing.

You have to admit that these crazy testing methods are certainly attention-getting.  I mean, if I have to run over the same piece of popcorn fifteen times with my vacuum (before picking it up, inspecting it, and throwing it back on the floor for another couple of vacuum passes), then maybe I’d be more satisfied with a vacuum that could suction up a bowling ball.  And if my blender can puree my wireless communication device, just imagine what it could do for my smoothies.

It’s important to think of all these contingent uses for your As Seen on TV products.  After all, you wouldn’t want to get stuck up a creek without a screen door.

Lately I’ve been working on a lot of crafty projects with my toddler.  Unfortunately, I’m plagued by ICTDT Syndrome (“I can totally do that!”), which means my result is never quite what I intended . . . and by “quite” I mean that I blame the two-year-old for the craftastrophe, and people actually believe it.  Of course there are a lot of As Seen on TV arts and craft products and tools for Do-It-Yourselfers, and these are designed to make crafting, building, and remodeling easy for even novices.  Unfortunately, for some of us, there’s just no help.

For example, The Bedazzler made creating jeweled fashions simple for anyone.  Well, almost anyone:

I’m sure Jaycee’s Mommmy will wear this Bedazzled garment with pride at the next PTA meeting.   And Jaycee will enjoy many years of therapy.

Crafters are not alone in their failures, however.  DIY projects of all kinds can go dramatically wrong in a second, even with the best of tools–although I’m not sure this qualifies as the best of tools:

Perhaps this home improvement genius should consider the Half Time Drill Driver, no?  Clearly, he’s in the market for a new drill.  At least, I hope so, or this is even more Fail than I thought.

Crafts, Do-It-Yourself . . . and let’s not forget Cake Fail.  There is a whole website dedicated to the ridiculous cake fails of professional bakers, but homemade cakes can often really take cake horror to a whole new level:

Oh, how I hope this cake isn’t for poor Jaycee.

Of course you want your cake to be the focal point of the party.  Of course you want your cake decorating skills to be talked about for years to come.  But not like this.

Or this:

Never.  Like.  This.

No, if you want a cake that is eye-catching, not eye-gouging, try a Big Top Cupcake instead, and keep your kids from joining Jaycee and Emma in their “Ways My Mom Ruined My Life” recovery group.

Or if you’re like me, and you STILL think you can do it, head over to SeenOnTV Express and check out the selection of As Seen on TV arts and crafts products, tools, and kitchen products.  You can totally do that!

It seems to me that mainstream television commercials are taking a cue from As Seen on TV product advertising and cashing in on the cult following retro infomercials enjoy.  If you’re wondering what on earth I’m talking about, let me just give you an example.

First, remember our Way Back Wednesday blog story about Tom Vu?  Vu hawked his As Seen on TV real estate program with the help of a rags-to-riches immigrant story–as well as buxom bikini babes and expensive toys like a yacht, a Rolls Royce, and a helicopter.  In case you’ve forgotten the old Tom Vu infomercials, or if you haven’t been keeping up with the SeenOnTV Express blog, here’s a commercial to help with the upcoming comparison:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K853GykeGH0

Now, fast forward twenty-five years or so to 2011.  DirecTV, a leading satellite television provider, has recently started airing humorous commercials that seem to spoof the elite and filthy rich.  You may have seen “The Russian” (a commercial that launched a parody website selling miniature giraffes, Sokoblovsky Farms Petite Lap Giraffes*).  DirecTV’s latest offering is “The Whale,” featuring comedian Dat Phan in an appearance that looks strikingly familiar, no?

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFDUOfRXP_k

In case you’ve missed the connection between “The Whale” and Tom Vu, let me make it a little more clear.  ”The Whale” makes repeated references to his casino winnings and going “all in.”  Tom Vu has made more than $1,500,000 in casino poker winnings, including placing second in the 2007 World Series of Poker and a ninth place finish in the Season Five World Poker Tour championship.

Deja Vu, indeed.

*I am number 1,241,584 on the waiting list for my own Petite Lap Giraffe.  I’m sure it will happen soon.  In the meantime, I wonder where I can get a ginormous panda.

One of the really, really hard things about working for a company that offers As Seen On TV products is that you want to buy almost everything you see.  We’ve discussed before how infomercial products are designed to fill a need that you may not have even realized you had, so when I see a product that solves any dilemma in my life, or that looks fun, or that will make things easier, or . . . well, I just want it.  A lot.

Of course, money does not, in fact, grow on trees, so I have really worked to curb my impulse spending.  Instead buying the things that I oh-my-goodness-have-to-have-now, I have started keeping a mental As Seen On TV wishlist.  Here are some of my top picks on infomercial products that I desperately want (and will only be able to refrain from buying for so long):

1. The Instyler – Smooth, shiny, and bouncy hair?  Eliminate frizzies in less time?  Straight hair that isn’t smashed flat and limp?  Using one tool to curl or straighten?  Who wouldn’t love this?!  Sign me up.
2. The Flex Mini – Okay, seriously.  A butt workout without working out.  A lunge-free and squat-free way to get firm thighs and rounded glutes.  It’s on.
3. Big Top Cupcake – I don’t honestly know why I want this so badly.  I just do.  I think it would be fun to make these for my son’s birthday parties.  Or maybe it’s just the idea of a ginormous cupcake sounds so heavenly.
4. Luminess Airbrush Tan – I was raised in the era of the “healthy glow” by a mother who ingrained in me that “tan fat looks better than white fat,” but am now forced to face the facts about the sun’s damaging properties.  With an airbrush tan, maybe I could have that sunkissed look I love without those pesky wrinkles and melanoma.
5. Gyro Bowl – I have a toddler.  End of story.

Of course, this is an incomplete list of Stuff I Want.  I pretty much want every Beachbody exercise DVD program and all of the plants that let me grow my own cherries/blueberries/peppers/insert-produce-here at home.  As long as I’m doing this, I know my As Seen On TV wishlist will continue to grow like grass on a Canada Green lawn.

On a side note, a few of the products to which I’ve already succumbed include Strap Perfect, Kangaroo Keeper, Emery Cat, Snuggie, and Bare Lifts–all of which have been well worth it!

What’s on your infomercial wishlist?

Last week I wrote a little about the unbearable heat–more 40 days of 100+ temperatures in our area this summer, with no end in sight.  We are actually having roads closed as they buckle in the combined heat and drought, damaging cars and causing accidents until the roads are repaired.  With the ridiculous heat combined with an unrelenting drought, damage to surfaces and structures becomes inevitable.  Although it may seem like it will never rain again, now is a perfect time to patch cracks and leaks around the house.  The evidence of how temperature extremes can warp even concrete, asphalt, and steel demonstrates how important it is to repair your cracks with a flexible material that can withstand movement.

Flex Seal is an As Seen On TV product designed to seal cracks and leaks with a flexible rubber seal.  A liquid rubber sealant, Flex Seal sprays onto virtually any surface, drying quickly to a firm yet flexible seal.  It conforms to the crack to eliminate leaks, and it can be painted any color.  An easy to use aerosol spray, Flex Seal can be used to patch cracks and stop leaks on roofs, gutters, pipes, skylights, and more.  If past weather patterns are any indication, it would be wise to take care of leak repairs now, before the drought is ended by rains of epic proportions.

As I was considering Flex Seal as an As Seen On TV home repair solution, I couldn’t help but notice just how important “flexibility” is in marketing infomercial products–especially when it comes to As Seen On TV exercise equipment.

Note the following:

• Flex Belt – An electronic ab belt that uses Electronic Muscle Stimulation (EMS) to flex and contract the abdominal muscles
• Flex Mini – An EMS shaper designed to tone the butt, hips, and thighs
• Solar Flex – An infrared heated yoga mat designed to improve flexibility
• UltraFlex – An easy to use fitness tool to sculpt lean muscle through flexible resistance
• Flex Shaper – Combines resistance and aerobic training for total body fitness
• Bowflex - From one of the leaders in home fitness, Bowflex gyms feature flexible Power Rod technology for an effective workout

So go ahead and flex your purchasing muscles by checking out one of the many “flexible” As Seen On TV products available through SeenOnTVExpress.com.

And fix those leaks before it’s too late.