If you have been reading the SeenOnTVExpress blog for any length of time, you know I’m not above a little snark when a particular product strikes me as frivolous, silly, outdated, or just plain weird.  However, I recently stumbled across another As Seen On TV blog that was ridiculing a new product that, well, frankly, I think is genius.  It is clear that the writer of the other blog does not have any small children in his or her home, or instead of sniping about the product, he/she would be ordering that puppy NOW.

The product in question is the Dog Dicer, and I think it ranks right up there in brilliance with the Disney Gyro Bowl–you know, the bowl that will not spill no matter how amped up your kid may be on Pop Rocks or Mountain Dew or whatever else grandma has been letting them have against your specific instructions.  The Dog Dicer is a product that slices and halves a hot dog in one motion, like so:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67FZKukJ6v4

Now, being well-versed in sarcasm and cynicism myself, I get the comments of the Clearly-Not-A-Parent-Blogger.  Like, using a knife is soooo hard, right?  I believe I may have even used that same line of logic on another hot dog-related product, myself (remember the Happy Hot Dog Man?).  But here’s why the Dog Dicer is different and far above my usual snide comments:  it saves time and makes safety almost idiot-proof.

As silly as it may sound to non-parental types, hot dogs are the leading cause of choking among kids.  Pediatricians warn parent to cut up hot dogs to prevent choking, because the hot dog is the same circumference as a young child’s esophagus.  There has even been proposed legislation to require changing the shape of hot dogs to prevent choking, because these windpipe-shaped sausages are practically the perfect storm of asphyxiation.  However, far too often, I have seen well-meaning parents slice their kids’ hot dogs–leaving them with smaller pieces that are still the exact same circumference and shape as the whole hot dog.  Hot dogs are supposed to be halved lengthwise prior to slicing to prevent choking.  The Dog Dicer slices lengthwise and crosswise in one motion, ensuring that the hot dog is sliced into safely-shaped pieces.

Now, a knife is perfectly suited to the task, but it takes some time.  When you’ve got a hungry and potentially cranky toddler waiting on a hot dog, everybody is happier if you get it to the table as quickly as possible.  Plus, one thing any mom could use more of is time.

I’m not sure I would have rushed right out and bought a Dog Dicer, but when they showed it quartering grapes?  Sold.  Have you ever had to quarter grapes for a toddler?  Those little suckers roll all over the place, and it takes forever.  I nearly swooned with desire when I saw that lady line up ten or so grapes, press a lever, and gloriously reveal safely chopped grapes.  Over the course of two to three years of lunches and snacks, can you imagine how much time you’d save on grapes alone?  It’s magnificent, I tell you.

I guess the moral of my story is that As Seen On TV products are generally creative ways of problem solving.  Even if a product may seem silly to you, Mr. Bachelor Infomercial Blogger, for someone out there, it is the perfect solution.*

*This in no way means I’m going to stop being snarky.  I like to make rules that apply to other people–not to myself.

In the past, when the SeenOnTV Express blog has described an As Seen On TV product on our “Way Back Wednesday” feature, the tone of the article has frequently been a bit snarky.  I mean, let’s face it–some of those early ’80s infomercials  we originally featured were a bit ridiculous.  Today, however, I would like to pay homage to an earlier product that launched a new way to clean:  The Steam Buggy.  One of  the first products offered in our As Seen On TV catalog, the Steam Buggy was a portable steam cleaner that allowed users to clean and sanitize hard-to-clean areas throughout their homes.  It was one of the first products to bring the professional power of steam cleaning right into your home, and since its introduction, steam mops and other steam cleaners have become common ways to powerfully and effectively clean floors, kitchens, bathrooms, and more.

So what is it that has brought about my new-found admiration for steam cleaning?  Having a three-and-a-half-year-old dinner companion leaves my kitchen floor in need of a Hazmat crew after every meal.  Ever since we introduced solid food roughly three years ago, we have been sweeping, wiping, mopping, and chiseling food from our lovely cream-colored tile.  Dealing with the kitchen floor seems as unending and relentless as laundry.  I would sooner try to sweep the sand from the Sahara as attempt to maintain a clean kitchen floor.

We currently have four rotating methods for cleaning our kitchen floor:

• Fastidiously wipe up any spills, vacuum any messes, and sweep or mop the offending area after each meal.
• Give the kitchen floor a quick clean-up at the end of each day.
• Clean up the big, gross spots ASAP, but save the mopping for a weekly chore.
• Ignore it and hope the Mop Fairy makes a surprise visit before the grime on the floor petrifies and becomes a permanent pattern on the tile.

None of these methods are particularly effective for our family.  The first takes too much time.  The second is also pretty time consuming and also doesn’t get the floor as clean as I would like.  The third leaves me cringing every time I walk through the kitchen until Mop Day.  And the fourth?  Well, that’s just gross, and apparently, the Mop Fairy is on strike.

Because none of our floor cleaning methods are able to sufficiently battle a preschooler at mealtime, I’ve been looking for a quick and easy way to really, thoroughly clean the floor without spending too much time behind a broomstick.  I have really been considering a steam cleaner to power away the stuck-on foods and to sanitize the floors–particularly since we will be adding another little mealtime terror to the mix in just a few months, one who will be crawling on the very floors in question.

Though the Steam Buggy served its purpose, I’m looking for something a little more conducive to cleaning an entire floor.  Today’s As Seen On TV steam mops seem to fit the bill.  Two products in particular have caught my eye:  the One Touch Steam Tornado and the Shark Professional Steam Pocket Mop.  Both of these steam cleaners are lightweight and feature an upright design.  The Shark Pro Steamer has the look of typical sweeper mops, but provides three levels of steam control, reusable cleaning cloths, shaped cleaning heads, and a carpet glider head for carpet cleaning.  The One Touch Steam Tornado can be used as an upright or handheld device for cleaning virtually anywhere and also features washable, reusable microfiber cleaning pads.

Finally, getting steamed over our kitchen floors is a good thing.

Two events converged to inspire today’s post about amazing, drool-worthy abs and how to get them.

The first event?  The upcoming release of Magic Mike, featuring Matthew McConaughey, Channing Tatum, Joe Manganiello, Alex Pettyfer and Matt Bomer . . . shirtless:

Sweet fancy Moses. Someone get mama a fan.

The second event was the arrival of this little gem in my email inbox:

Oh, honey, no.

After thoroughly rinsing my eyes with battery acid to clear the second image from my retinas, I did a little research and determined that the Ab-hancer is not, in fact, a real As Seen On TV product, but rather a spoof.  Even though it is a fake, the idea of trying to look like you have great abs without actually working for great abs is nothing new.  I have even heard of using sunless tanning lotion to create “shadows” that give the illusion of six-pack abs on an otherwise toneless belly.  Unfortunately, not everyone is going to have abs like Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum–seriously, it is unfortunate.   While some people have the dedication and stamina to work hard to get those gleaming, chiseled, glorious abs (I’m sorry–did I get carried away?), not everyone has the time or the desire to put in that kind of effort.

Because I want every man to have the opportunity to look like Magic Mike–oh, believe me, I do–today’s Seen On TV Express blog post is going to bring you three different types of As Seen On TV ab sculpting products.  You select your level of intensity from zero to P90X and choose the infomercial product that best works for you.

Intensity Level:  ”Can someone bring me a doughnut and a beer?”

• Slim T
• IAS Instaslim Garments

Instaslim and Slim Ts are body shaping garments that can make  you look up to two sizes smaller without diet or exercise.  While the results are temporary, and you certainly can’t whip off your shirt, wave it around your head, and slide down a fireman pole into the waiting arms of hundreds of screaming women vying for the opportunity to tuck dollar bills in your waistband, Slim T or Instaslim can give you the confidence that comes from looking better in your clothes.

Intensity Level:  Not Quite Shocking

• Flex Belt
• Contour Abs
• Sport Elec Ab Belt

Electronic Muscle Stimulation (EMS) is FDA-cleared and shown to be effective in helping to strengthen and build muscles without a lot of concerted effort on your part.  Electronic ab belts work by contracting the abdominal muscles through electronic impulses, allowing your to flex and contract each muscle numerous times in a single session.  Some of these devices are discreet enough to wear under clothing so you can firm and tighten your abdominals as you go about your daily routine.

Intensity Level:  ”Work All Day.  Work It All Night.”

• Ab Rocket Twister
• Ab Glider
• Insanity
• P90X
• P90X2

If you want the moves like Jagger . . . or in this case, like Magic Mike and his glistening, sculpted cohorts . . . you are going to have to work it.  Intense fat burning moves and a clean diet are critical in creating a lean, chiseled core featuring rock hard abs.  Abdominal exercise equipment like the AbRocket and the Ab Glider can give you targeted moves for tightening the abs, but the aggressive, high-intensity training available from Beachbody’s Insanity, P90X, and P90X2 allow for total body fat burning and muscle sculpting that can transform your physique.

Whether you want to show up at your reunion with the confidence that comes from looking better in your clothes, or whether you want to show up with a physique that makes your class homecoming queen fall over in a dead faint, As Seen On TV products offer your perfect ab solution.

Remember when you were a kid, and your favorite stuffed animal was just that–a stuffed animal? And chances are, it was a bear.  Maybe, just maybe, if your parents were particularly creative and looked really hard to find something special, you may have had a puppy, kitten, or monkey. Well, let me just tell you:  your childhood was lame.

The modern era is all about multitasking.  With all of the many roles and responsibilities we take on, we need tools to maximize our time and make things easier.  No longer do we have a TV and a separate VCR.  Nope–we can record directly from the TV with a TiVo or DVR.  We can play video games and even watch movies from our gaming systems.  We no longer have phones and cell phones.  We have mobile devices that can be used for talk, text, photography, video, internet browsing, and more.  We have things to do, and we need them done quickly.  All-in-one devices and tools save today’s multitasker both time and money.

Just like their multitasking parents, kids today want toys that do more.  Hand Junior your beloved but ratty stuffed bear from 1979, and he is liable to ask you, “But what does it do?”  Poor Teddy McStuffins will be cast aside while your precocious Junior scampers off in search of toys that do something.

As Seen On TV toys have heeded the call of today’s complex, busy child.  Perhaps the trend began with Pillow Pets.  Sing with me now, “It’s a pillow.  It’s a pet.  It’s a Pillow Pet!”  The Pillow Pet solved an interesting problem for the busy child and parent who do not have time for clutter.  The Pillow Pet is a stuffed animal that converts to a plush pillow.  Unlike the limited stuffed offerings of your pitiful, unitasking childhood, Pillow Pets are available in a wide variety of shapes, including farm animals, zoo animals, sea creatures, sports mascots, and even licensed Disney characters.

The success of Pillow Pets has been so sensational that other infomercial toy makers are seeing the need for stuffed animals that do more.  Other 2-in-1 plush toys launched in the wake of the Pillow Pet phenomenon include:

• Happy Nappers:  2-in-1 stuffed animal and pillow; differs from Pillow Pets in that the pillowcase is actually a “home” for the animal
• Pawggles:  2-in-1 stuffed animal and slippers
• BlanKid Buddy:  4-in-1 stuffed animal, blanket, pillow, and backpack
• Cuddleuppets:  2-in-1 blanket and puppet
• Bottle Cuddler:  2-in-1 stuffed animal and bottle cover

These multitasking As Seen On TV stuffed animals allow you to do more with less, which is the goal of any multi-purpose product.  Relegate Teddy McStuffins to a place of nostalgia and get your kids a toy that does more.  After all, you don’t want some future blogger telling your kids how lame their childhood was,  now do you?