As the SeenOnTV Express blogger, I’m constantly being made aware of the newest, hottest As Seen On TV products.  While some of the products don’t necessarily appeal to me, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t frequently stumble across a product that I just have to have.  As Seen On TV beauty products, kitchen products, exercise equipment, fitness videos, and comfort items all make my list.  With the holidays just around the corner, I thought it would be a perfect time to share some of my favorite products–the ones I hope show up under my Christmas tree.  After all, Santa knows I’ve been very good this year.  Well–at least he knows I tried.

As Seen On TV Christmas List

• Forever Lazy – I’m not gonna lie.  This looks super cozy and comfortable.  For someone who works from home, this would be the perfect gift.  I may never wear actual clothes again.  At least until spring.
• Instyler – If I’m not mistaken, this made my list last year, but I didn’t find it in my stocking.  I think if I’m going to be spending my days in a giant, adult sized onesie, at least my hair should look good.
• Flex Seal – I know–household products shouldn’t really be on a Christmas list.  Next thing you know I’ll be asking for a blender.  But I really, really want to make a boat out of a screen door.
• Ninja Kitchen Blender – Yep.  I told you I’d be asking for a blender next.  I have a blender already.  It even has a food processing bowl.  But it is not this cool.  Not. At. All.
• Flex Mini – Seriously.  I can tone my butt without ever doing a single squat?  Sign me up.
• Any of the Beachbody videos - I don’t really like to work out, but I do really like to eat.  If I’m going to work out, I want it to be worth my time and energy.  I want it to feel like a workout, and I want results.  Beachbody workouts like P90x, Insantity, TurboFire, and Chalean Extreme are effective workouts for people who aren’t afraid to work hard to get results fast.

If I’ve been good enough this year, expect to see me in January, recovering from my Insanity workout by mixing up a healthy detox smoothie in my Ninja Kitchen Blender while wearing Forever Lazy and getting a workout boost from my Flex Mini.  And, gurrrl, my hair will look goooood.

One of the really, really hard things about working for a company that offers As Seen On TV products is that you want to buy almost everything you see.  We’ve discussed before how infomercial products are designed to fill a need that you may not have even realized you had, so when I see a product that solves any dilemma in my life, or that looks fun, or that will make things easier, or . . . well, I just want it.  A lot.

Of course, money does not, in fact, grow on trees, so I have really worked to curb my impulse spending.  Instead buying the things that I oh-my-goodness-have-to-have-now, I have started keeping a mental As Seen On TV wishlist.  Here are some of my top picks on infomercial products that I desperately want (and will only be able to refrain from buying for so long):

1. The Instyler – Smooth, shiny, and bouncy hair?  Eliminate frizzies in less time?  Straight hair that isn’t smashed flat and limp?  Using one tool to curl or straighten?  Who wouldn’t love this?!  Sign me up.
2. The Flex Mini – Okay, seriously.  A butt workout without working out.  A lunge-free and squat-free way to get firm thighs and rounded glutes.  It’s on.
3. Big Top Cupcake – I don’t honestly know why I want this so badly.  I just do.  I think it would be fun to make these for my son’s birthday parties.  Or maybe it’s just the idea of a ginormous cupcake sounds so heavenly.
4. Luminess Airbrush Tan – I was raised in the era of the “healthy glow” by a mother who ingrained in me that “tan fat looks better than white fat,” but am now forced to face the facts about the sun’s damaging properties.  With an airbrush tan, maybe I could have that sunkissed look I love without those pesky wrinkles and melanoma.
5. Gyro Bowl – I have a toddler.  End of story.

Of course, this is an incomplete list of Stuff I Want.  I pretty much want every Beachbody exercise DVD program and all of the plants that let me grow my own cherries/blueberries/peppers/insert-produce-here at home.  As long as I’m doing this, I know my As Seen On TV wishlist will continue to grow like grass on a Canada Green lawn.

On a side note, a few of the products to which I’ve already succumbed include Strap Perfect, Kangaroo Keeper, Emery Cat, Snuggie, and Bare Lifts–all of which have been well worth it!

What’s on your infomercial wishlist?

I’ve been thinking a lot about fitness lately (as evidenced by my post on the torturous Jillian Michaels DVD), and I’ve also been thinking a lot about wrinkles.  Let’s face it: I’m not getting any younger, and neither are you.  Lucky for us, the airwaves are rife with exercise equipment infomercials and as seen on TV anti-aging solutions.

Unfortunately,  those seen on television innovations include contraptions like this:

The Facial Flex looks both uncomfortable and ridiculous, but then again . . . those two words pretty much sum up how I look doing any type of exercise, so I don’t know why I would think facial exercise should be any different.  I’m a little skeptical that something that causes me to make facial contortions would also cause me to “feel it in my bra line,” but maybe that’s just me.

The QVC hostess asks, “If your New Year’s resolution is to look younger, why aren’t you working out your face?”  Why, indeed.

Typical anti-aging regimens include creams, serums, and magic potions, but facial exercise could be an alternative.   Just look what six weeks* with the Facial Flex can do:

Before

After

Doesn’t she look younger already?

*These claims are completely unfounded and wildly untrue.

Last week I wrote about how the warmer has got me really feeling the pressure to get fit, tan, and hairless before donning a sundress, shorts, tank tops, or *gasp* swimsuit.  With the help of seen-on-tv hair removers, the smooth part is coming into play, but I don’t yet have the energy, will power, or stamina to conquer the fit part.  That leaves me with getting a tan without destroying my skin.  Although I love to bask in the sun, it’s not yet warm enough to do so.  I’d like to have that sun-kissed glow before actually having my legs make an appearance.  I don’t want to spend two weeks blinding the neighbors with the glare off my pasty skin before a natural tan develops.  Also, I don’t want to look like this:

It’s okay.  You can go scrub your eyes out with bleach.  I’ll wait.

Now, I have a feeling that tan had its beginnings in the Eighties, when baby oil and aluminum foil were the way to get a golden, ultra-dark tan.  You know, like this most Famous Tan of All:

The evolution of the tan is interesting.  Originally, tanned skin was a sign of being poor and having to work hard.  Bonnets and hats protected faces from the ravages of the sun.  Later, a tan was a sign of a life of leisure and of good, sporty health.  But after years of baking their skin in the sun, people began to see damage from aging, spots, wrinkles, and skin cancer.  Suddenly, a tan didn’t seem so healthy . . . but it still looked good:

Why, yes, that IS me in the picture.  Funny you should ask.

(Okay.  That was a lie.)

As an effort to tan safely, people turned to salon and at home tanning beds--until they realized the same damaging rays are in electronic tans.  This early 1980′s era at home tanner is an example of the misguided measures people took to get a sunless tan:

Fortunately, sunless tanning has developed (pardon the pun).  From damaging electronic tans to frighteningly orange self-tanner creams, we have evolved to smoothly applied, non-streaking sunless tanning lotions and even airbrush tans and spray tans for a natural glow, minus the orange, tanned palms that are the telltale sign of a fake bake.

Of course, infomercial sunless tanners have found a way to make sunless tanning at home easier and more effective than ever.  Solerra Tanning Mitts save your palms and give you a mess-free way to easily apply your self tanner.  For an airbrush tan without salon prices, try Luminess Airbrush Tan.

As I countdown to spring, I’ll have smooth, golden skin.  I guess I’m running out of time to get started on the whole “fit” part of it.  I don’t guess it will matter how tan and hairless I am if I look like this in my bathing suit:

Oh, never mind.  All the pictures I found would make you use up all of your bleach.  Just imagine an open can of biscuit dough shoved into a bikini.

Next week — Spring Fever III:  Fit for the Beach

Hair Remover Help You Kick off Spring with Smooth Skin

Here in our neck of the woods, we’ve gone from record lows to record highs in only a week.   With sub-arctic temps of -38 degrees one week and beautifully warm days in the 80′s the next, we’ve quite literally had a temperature swing of 120 degrees.  With the sneak preview of spring, I’ve realized that in just a few short weeks, it will be time to start thinking about things like wearing skirts without tights and boots, or (gasp) baring my legs in shorts.  This means, of course, I’ll have to start regularly removing the hair from my winter Sasquatch legs . . . and shaving higher than my knees.  Of course, shaving isn’t the only option in hair removal.  Waxing, depilatory creams and gels, even buffers can help make your legs presentable.  Or if not presentable (be sure to tune in next week to read about as seen on TV tanning options), at least smooth and hairless.

The hair remover that paved the way for every future infomercial hair remover is, of course, the unfortunately named Nad’s.  Nad’s was named for Nadine, the daughter of the hair remover’s Australian inventor.  Unfortunately, that name doesn’t translate well for American audiences.  Particularly when uttered by someone using the awkward hand motions in this early Nad’s infomercial:

I find it interesting to compare this early infomercial with the as seen on TV offerings today.  Generally, to advertise a hair remover these days, one would show off a model’s lean, sleek, hair free legs.  The early Nad’s infomercial, however, takes the interesting approach of offering the testimony of two heavyset, hirsute women with nary a smooth, bare leg in sight.

Painless Hair Remover Options

Hair remover products today offer a variety of methods, most of which promote the idea of pain-free hair removal.  Smooth Away (complete with smooth, leggy model) promotes buffing the hair away.  Hair Block is a mess-free roll on depilatory.  Other methods are similar to professional hair remover devices:  Slique replicates the ancient-yet-trendy threading, while No! No! Hair mimics a laser hair remover.

So with Spring teasing me relentlessly, I eagerly anticipate the warmer weather while simultaneously dreading the complications to my beauty and hygiene routine.  No more hiding under bulky sweaters and long pants.  Warm weather means bare skin, and for this pasty, pudgy, slighly prickly writer, it means it’s time to break out the hair remover, the self tanner, and break out Insanity to get fit quick.

But that’s a lot of change from my lethargic winter cocoon.  Let’s not get too crazy yet.  Baby steps.

First, the hair remover.  Everything else follows.

For a very special, post-holiday version of Way Back Wednesday, we’re going all the way back to last week to look closely at the perils of Thanksgiving.  While you may think that scorched sweet potatoes or being forced to endure Great Aunt Tillie’s Mystery Jello Mold may rank among the greatest dangers of Thanksgiving, such thoughts are woefully misguided.  Oh, no, my friend--the hazards are much, much more horrifying.

Enter Exhibit A:

Photo credit: ehow.com

Fortunately, until your As Seen on TV exercise videos and infomercial fitness equipment kick in, there’s the Perfect Fit Button, which our unfortunate Thanksgiving victim above clearly needs.  With the Perfect Fit Button, he could adjust his waistband to give him a little extra breathing room until January when he resolves to lose that spare tire, instead of simply walking around with his pants open like some kind of Thanksgiving pervert.  (Uncle Bill, take note.)

What’s that you say?  Gaining a few holiday pounds is not a true danger?  Well, tell that to your cardiologist, and then take a look at this holiday horror--the exploding deep fried turkey:

Strangely, this phenomenon is so common, there are even Public Service Announcements warning people against deep frying a turkey.  The number of videos of people setting their holiday meal on fire (not to mention their eyebrows) is staggering.  Luckily, there is an infomercial cooking product to save the day and keep you from looking like this in all of your family holiday photos:

From NBC's Seinfeld

The Butterball Indoor Electric Turkey Fryer is safe enough to use on your kitchen countertop, with a fill-line to keep you from overfilling your grease, which, in a traditional turkey fryer would spill over the top and onto the open flame below, thus incinerating your backyard.  Also, the Butterball Turkey Fryer has a heating element that submerges into the unit, rather using an actual fire. Thanks to Butterball, you no longer have to try to stretch your holiday meal, sans turkey, to feed the entire fire department in addition to your passel of relations--including Aunt Tillie and Uncle Bill.

I love autumn, and one of my favorite things about the season is Halloween.  I love Halloween more than any adult should.  I plan costume ideas year ’round; it’s not uncommon to hear me say, “OOH!  You know what I should be for Halloween?”--in April.  As I write this, I am surrounded by flickering candles, bats, jack-o-lanterns, black cats, and haunted houses.  From where I sit on my couch, I can count no fewer than seven jack-o-lanterns in my living room, and that’s not counting the pumpkins on the strand of Halloween lights or on the Halloween tree.  (Yes, I said, “Halloween tree.”)

But this isn’t an ode to Halloween blog; it’s a television infomercial blog.  This isn’t a post about the best as seen on TV products for Halloween; it’s Way Back Wednesday.  So how am I going to connect the two ideas?  Funny you should ask . . .

In last week’s Way Back Wednesday, I promised to talk to you a little more in depth about Rejuvenique, an electronic mask designed to exercise the muscles of your face, giving you a more youthful appearance.  Now, if the thought of electrocuting your face isn’t frightening enough, get a load of the way this beauty mask looks:

Now, instantly, I’m expecting an electrified knife-wielding serial killer.  Like this guy:

Michael Myers, "Halloween"

(Coincidentally, a commercial for this movie came on right as I was inserting the picture.  How’s that for spooky?)

But maybe that isn’t a fair comparison.  Perhaps the mask looks more like this one:

Jason Voorhees, "Friday the 13th"

In the interest of fairness, though, let’s take a look at how well Rejuvenique worked at toning the muscles of the face to give a firmer, more youthful appearance to your skin.  Here is what Jason Voorhees looks like, unmasked, in Friday the 13th, Part IV:  The Final Chapter:

Jason Unmasked

And after Rejuvenique.  Behold:

Behold, Behold, Behold

(Dear women readers:  You’re welcome.)

I love Fall.  It is by far my favorite season, and I’ll admit that I start planning Halloween costumes and decorations far in advance of the actual season.  In my neck of the woods, temperatures are often in the 80′s well into October, but I’ll throw on a pot of chili just as a matter of principle.  However, when football season hits, I start dreaming of cooler weather, beautiful foliage, and pumpkins on every doorstep.  I hate to be cold, so when the weather is cool, I love nothing more than snuggling on the couch under a warm blanket.  That’s why this year, I’m going to cave and get a Snuggie.  Oh, how I mocked the Snuggie when it first came out.  I believe I’ve even mocked it here on Way Back Wednesday.  But I borrowed one in a freak snowstorm last winter and fell in love with it.   Now that you can order a Sports Snuggie, it will be the perfect accompaniment to college football, one of the truly great things about Fall.

You know, the idea behind Snuggie is not new.  In fact, there is another blanket with sleeves called the Slanket.  Now, I ask you:  which would you rather cuddle up with?  A Snuggie (insert cozy, warm, cuddly images here) or a Slanket (“Marv!  Call the plumber!  The drain is backed up and there’s slanket all over the floors!”).  The Snuggie has become a smash hit in the world of blankets and in the world of infomercial products in general.  I think it has a lot to do with the name.

A name can make or break a product.  Here I am going to give you a list of some of the most poorly named infomercial products available.  These names are so ill-conceived that I can’t even comprehend the strategy behind them.  In fact, these names are so unspeakably bad that I’m going to refrain from making my usual snarky comments and just let these horrible product names speak for themselves.

• Catch It:  A litter box product designed to help scoop the kitty business from the litter.  Go ahead.  Say it out loud and think about the product.  You’ll get it.
• Nads:  An all-natural hair removal product supposedly named for its creator’s daughter.
• Magic Bullet:  It’s a blender.  Duh.
• Rack Trap:  I guess this is exactly what it says it is.  It’s a little pocket you put inside your bra.  That’s an even worse name than The Hooter Hider nursing cover.

Last but certainly not least on my horribly named products list is . . . well, I’ll just let you see the infomercial that was really, truly, honest-to-goodness seen on TV:

That’s T-I-D-D-Y.  Can you even imagine the product proposal meeting where that name was chosen?  I mean, what names did they turn down, for the love of Pete?!

It just makes my brain hurt.

Last week, we at SeenOnTV Express reminisced about the perplexing little contraption known as the FlowBee:  half vacuum, half haircutting device, and 100% confusion.  However, the FlowBee is not the only infomercial product designed to style your hair in the most mystifying of ways.  Today we look at another bizarre product designed to give you the hair you have always dreamed of--if, that is, you have always dreamed of spray painting your head.

GLH (which stands for “Good Looking Hair,” of course) is a “hair spray paint” designed to cover bald spots and thinning hair.  GLH is made up of spray paint and fibers that “mimic real hair follicles.”  Despite being featured on Way Back Wednesday, GLH is still available; however, it earns  its spot in our retrospective due to its early infomercial beginnings when it was hawked in the early 90′s by Ron Popeil, legendary inventor, pitchman, and founder or Ronco, one of the leading companies in as seen on TV marketing.  Popeil was awarded the “Ig Nobel Prize” in Consumer Engineering in 1993.  The awards were originally given to “discoveries that cannot, or should not, be reproduced,” but the intent was later revised to reward 10 achievements that “”first make people laugh, and then make them think.”  The Ig Nobel Prize committe, which includes scientists and Nobel Laureates, described Popeil as the ”incessant inventor and perpetual pitchman of late night television,” and said his inventions redefined the Industrial Revolution.

In the following video, Ron Popeil is seen promoting the Ronco product GLH.  In this video, he actually spray paints his own head.  Without laughing.  Theoretically, GLH provides the illusion of actual growing hair rather than a vast expanse of baldness.  To me it looks like--well--a spray painted bald spot.  Judge for yourself:

Lest we mock hair-in-a-can too much, lets keep in mind that GLH is one of many products designed to give the illusion of thicker hair by camouflaging the scalp.  The ubiquitous Joan Rivers has a new product called Great Hair Day.  Great Hair Day is a powder, not a spray like GLH, and it is applied in a much more subtle manner, using an applicator brush rather than an ozone-eating aerosol can.  Once again, infomercial evolution has managed to refine one of its more befuddling products. 

Unless, of course, you prefer to graffiti your own head.

This week’s post was inspired by my flat iron.  Whenever I leave the salon, my hair is smooth and shiny, but when I try to duplicate the results at home, my hair snags on the straightener and just looks fuzzy.  I’ve decided that I need to get a new straightener, and I’m trying to decide between the InStyler and the Paris Hilton Celebrity Styler.  Mulling my possibilities, I started to think about hairdos of the past, when I wanted anything but straight hair.  Frizzy perms, big bangs . . . ah, the mall hair of the 80′s.

And hair of the 80′s is what brings me to the topic of today’s post.  How could I possibly consider Way Back Wednesday to be an in-depth expose of popular infomercial products of the past without dredging up the FlowBee?

The FlowBee was the vacuum-slash-haircutting tool that people all across the nation were snatching up in order to give really bad haircuts to defenseless children.  The FlowBee was first seen on TV infomercials in 1988, and it was hawked by its creator, Rick Hunt.   Hunt was a carpenter who thought that there had to be a good way to get the sawdust out of his hair . . . and give himself a haircut at the same time.  Thus, the FlowBee was born.

Hunt took his invention to the television airwaves and launched a home-styling phenomenon.  How could the FlowBee fail to be successful when it was marketed with such lines as, “I’m a carpenter.  I’m not a hairdresser,” and the oh-so-convincing line, “As you can see, it’s a pretty good haircut for one I did on myself.”

That’s right.  It’s not just “pretty good.”  It’s pretty good for a haircut that a carpenter with no experience or training as a stylist gave himself.

Doesn’t that just make you want to rush right out and buy one?

But wait.  There’s more.

The FlowBee wasn’t just a motorized haircutting apparatus with spinning blades. The blades were actually attached to a vacuum hose.  With its rotating blades and vacuum hose, the FlowBee was one infomercial product that really . . . um . . . sucked.  No more difficult, unweildy broom to help you sweep up the remnants of your home-haircut.  The FlowBee just whisked all that mangled hair right down the hose, getting rid of all the evidence of your do-it-yourself ‘do.

Well.  Not all the evidence.  You still had to walk around in public with your FlowBee haircut.  But hey–it’s pretty good for a haircut you did yourself.