With both AccuWeather and the 2012 Farmer’s Almanac predicting another cold, brutal, stormy winter, it is best to get prepared while things are still relatively pleasant outside.  Having a longstanding reputation for being The Biggest Cold Weather Wimp Ever, I am personally quite excited by all of the As Seen On TV products designed to keep me snug and cozy all winter long–without wrecking my utility bills.  Whether you are looking warm yourself, your house, or even . . .yes . . . your dog, SeenOnTV Express has the top selling infomercial products to make for a cozy winter despite the bleak forecast.

As Seen On TV Blankets and More

Wrap up in comfort to keep yourself, your kids, and your pets snug as a bug.

• Snuggie:  choose from the original Snuggie, Designer Snuggie, Snuggie Varsity, or even Custom Snuggie
• Snuggie for Kids:  especially designed in a smaller size for children
• Snuggie for Dogs:  fits much more easily than tight pet sweaters and still allows freedom of movement
• Forever Lazy:  more than a blanket with sleeves, Forever Lazy is like a blanket with sleeve and legs–one piece for warm comfort no matter what you’re doing  . . . or not doing.

As Seen On TV Heaters

The exquisite look of Amish craftmanship paired with safe, radiant heat make As Seen On TV Heaters a popular way to cut utility costs while staying cozy even on the coldest of days.

• Heat Surge Hand Crafted Amish Electric Fireplace:  puts out 4606 BTUs of heat through a realistic, flickering flame, giving the ambience of a real fireplace
• iHeater:  uses infrared heat to safely heat up to 1,000 square feet while remaining cool to the touch, saving you up to 50% on your utility bills.

Other As Seen On TV Products for Winter:

• Twin Draft Guard:  blocks drafts around windows and doors, keeping warm air in and cold air out, cutting energy costs by up to 30%
• Pet ZZZ Pad:  if a Snuggie for Dogs isn’t enough, try this unique warming pad designed for your pet’s bed

Even though there are so many products available to help keep your temperature up and your heating costs down, I’m still hoping that the predictions of another Snowpocalypse prove false.  In the meantime, bundle up.  Baby, it’s cold outside.

Eighties Technology in Infomercial Electronics

The 1980′s brought about some huge technological breakthroughs, the evolution of which shaped the electronics that have become so ubiquitous today.  Consider:

The Mobile Phone:

Portable Music Players:

Data Storage:

Home Computers:

Video Gaming:

Home Theater:

Whatever was Strong Enough to Make Her Hair Do This:

And, of course, the Invention that Allowed Chet and Gary to Put Bras on Their Heads and Turn a Barbie Doll into Kelly LeBrock:

All grand technological inventions, no?  But none, perhaps, surpasses this legendary As Seen on TV electronics innovation:  The Calculator Watch.

Not just a technological breakthrough, but a fashion statement as well.  Form and function combine into one amazing infomercial product that appealed to nerds everywhere.  According to the Calculator Watch infomercial, the watch has 21 phenomenal features--three of which are the ability to DISPLAY TIME, and one of which is the price, which is . . . not a feature.

For most of the aforementioned 1980′s technology, the successors are fairly evident.  Cell phones and home computers are still around, but they are much much smaller and have infinitely increased capabilities.  Data storage has dramatically decreased in physical size while voluminously increasing storage capability.  VCR, VHS, and BetaMax gave way to DVD players, TiVO, and Vide0-on-Demand.

But what about the Calculator Watch?  What would you say is its modern counterpart?

Let’s face it.  All I had to do was put “Clap on!” in the title of this post and you now have the nearly 30-year-old jingle for The Clapper stuck in your head.

“Clap on!  Clap off!  Clap on, clap off--The Clapper!” the commercial proclaims with the precision of a military cadence.  And now, thanks to SeenOnTV Express and Way Back Wednesday, you too will be chanting this jingle.  All.  Day.  Long.

In case you were living in a cave or on a deserted island during the 1980′s and have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s the original Clapper commercial, as seen on TV during the era of big hair and Flock of Seagulls:

I find it hard to believe that we have been bringing you Way Back Wednesday’s retrospective look at infomercial products for nearly a year, and I have failed to discuss The Clapper, an icon of electronic innovation and extreme laziness.

After all . . . we had one.

My parents installed a Clapper in their bedroom--and by “installed,” I mean “plugged in.”   They plugged their television into the Clapper so that they could turn off the TV after the nightly news without getting out of bed.  As kids, we found it immensely entertaining to CLAP ON and CLAP OFF the television, and would even watch the 13-inch black and white TV in their room for the sheer elation of being the ones to get to clap twice and turn off the TV.  In fact, we would fight over the opportunity.

Which led to an interesting discovery.

You see, you don’t have to clap to turn a Clapper on and off.  Any loud noise will do.  In a household with four kids, any sibling brawl particularly heated argument could lead to the television flicking on and off repeatedly.

Once we realized how the Clapper was noise activated, our laziness increased.  Now we no longer had to use our arms!  We could lie motionless and shout, “TURN!  OFF!”  and the screen would go black, except for the lingering dot of light in the center of the television screen that would take an inordinately long time to finally fade away.

By the time I left for college, the novelty of the Clapper, still in use in the master bedroom, had dimmed like the screen of the tiny black and white television.  Perhaps that is because I was older.  Wiser.  More jaded.

Or perhaps it was because I didn’t know that the Clapper had been upgraded.  That’s right, folks--1992 issued in the Smart Clapper.  “How smart can it be?”  Funny you should ask:

Mock if you will, but I say we bring back the Clapper.  Sure we have remotes for our televisions now . . . but can you ever find yours when you need it?   What about Christmas lights?  Floor lamps?  And how will the kids be amused as you shout at them to CLEAN YOUR ROOM NOW if your appliances aren’t sporadically powered on and off during your tirade?

Clap on, my friend.  Clap on.

In the Way Back Wednesday Halloween post, I described the electrifying properties of Rejuvenique, and how it uses electronic impulses to stimulate the muscles of the face.  While the appearance of the Rejuvenique facial mask is somewhat disconcerting, its use of electronic impulses for muscle stimulation is a form of beauty and exercise technology that has been around for years and is a continuing method of firming, toning, and relaxing muscles.

A decade ago, electronic muscle stimulation (EMS) was used by the famous Dr. Ho in his namesake Dr. Ho’s Muscle Massager.  This device looks suspiciously like an EMS machine I once endured during a bout of physical therapy (I think I may need to call my HMO about this).  However, most viewers of the Dr. Ho infomercial--at least most male viewers--won’t notice a thing about how the Muscle Massager looks.  See, much like fellow infomercial host Tom Vu, Dr. Ho relied heavily on scantily clad women in need of electronic stimulation.  In fact, male viewers may have been so busy noticing the models that they may not have even realized that one bikini beauty exclaims, after sampling the Muscle Massager, that she no longer needs men:

Now, the use of electronic muscle stimulation can be hazardous to certain groups.  As Dr. Ho states in his disclaimer, these devices are “not to be used by pregnant women, people with pacemakers, or epileptics.”

Or by idiots:

Electronic muscle stimulation (EMS) is a valid technology, however.  Remember, I mentioned earlier that EMS was used in physical therapy, and regardless of my joke about checking with my HMO to see if Dr. Ho is on my preferred provider list, the EMS is one of the reasons I’m not hobbling around like a geriatric at the age of . . . um . . . never mind.

Some modern electronic muscle stimulators that can be seen on TV include several that are used for strengthening and tightening the muscles of the abs.  Absonic, Abtronic, and the Contour Ab Belt have been among the more popular electronic ab stimulators seen on television infomercials.

The latest development in electronic stomach toning medical technology is the Flex Belt.  The FlexBelt ab belt has been clinically tested and proven to stimulate the abdominal muscles up to 150 times per thirty minute session.  Most importantly, the Flex Belt is the only EMS device to be cleared by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as a Class II Medical Device to be sold directly to the consumer.  Take that, HMO.

I love autumn, and one of my favorite things about the season is Halloween.  I love Halloween more than any adult should.  I plan costume ideas year ’round; it’s not uncommon to hear me say, “OOH!  You know what I should be for Halloween?”--in April.  As I write this, I am surrounded by flickering candles, bats, jack-o-lanterns, black cats, and haunted houses.  From where I sit on my couch, I can count no fewer than seven jack-o-lanterns in my living room, and that’s not counting the pumpkins on the strand of Halloween lights or on the Halloween tree.  (Yes, I said, “Halloween tree.”)

But this isn’t an ode to Halloween blog; it’s a television infomercial blog.  This isn’t a post about the best as seen on TV products for Halloween; it’s Way Back Wednesday.  So how am I going to connect the two ideas?  Funny you should ask . . .

In last week’s Way Back Wednesday, I promised to talk to you a little more in depth about Rejuvenique, an electronic mask designed to exercise the muscles of your face, giving you a more youthful appearance.  Now, if the thought of electrocuting your face isn’t frightening enough, get a load of the way this beauty mask looks:

Now, instantly, I’m expecting an electrified knife-wielding serial killer.  Like this guy:

Michael Myers, "Halloween"

(Coincidentally, a commercial for this movie came on right as I was inserting the picture.  How’s that for spooky?)

But maybe that isn’t a fair comparison.  Perhaps the mask looks more like this one:

Jason Voorhees, "Friday the 13th"

In the interest of fairness, though, let’s take a look at how well Rejuvenique worked at toning the muscles of the face to give a firmer, more youthful appearance to your skin.  Here is what Jason Voorhees looks like, unmasked, in Friday the 13th, Part IV:  The Final Chapter:

Jason Unmasked

And after Rejuvenique.  Behold:

Behold, Behold, Behold

(Dear women readers:  You’re welcome.)

Today’s Way Back Wednesday goes way, way back--all the way to 1979.   Ron Popeil, the founder of Ronco, has been bringing his as seen on tv products to the airwaves for forty years.  With classic infomercial products such as 6 Star Knives and the Pocket Fisherman, Ronco has become a staple in as seen on tv inventions.

One of the early Ronco products was Mr. Microphone, and its infomercial has to be my favorite yet.  Some of the Way Back Wednesday videos are pretty funny, but this one actually made my sides hurt.  Mr. Microphone was a wireless mic designed to broadcast your voice over any FM radio, and guaranteed to liven up any party.  Just watch:

You can see that this karaoke predecessor was perfect for all kinds of people:

• Kids
• Professional Entertainers
• Drunken Party-Goers
• Crazy Dancing Transistor Radio Guys
• Pervy Cat-Calling Potential Kidnappers
• Amateur Roller Derby Teams, including Roller Skating Grandmas!

And at only $14.88, Mr. Microphone was a bargain!  For only a little more than $5 extra, you could order Mr. Microphone II, which also included a radio, batteries, and an 8-foot connecting cord.   I’m sure Mr. Microphone was stuffing all the stockings in December 1979.

On our Way Back Wednesday posts, we’ve looked at a lot of different seen-on-tv products, and we’ve seen the evolution of the television infomercial.  The Mr. Microphone commercial reminds us of a kinder, gentler time, when someone could jive through the park, singing aloud through his transistor radio without being institutionalized, and a man could yell out the car window at innocent bystanders without fear of being added to the national sex offender registry.  Ah, those were the days.

We’ve just added the Jupiter Jack to our product line-up.  This device, which was featured on Discovery Channel’s series “Pitchman” with Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan, has been a big hit.  It was originally labelled the BlackJack, but prior to final production was given the name Jupiter Jack to avoid trademark issues.

JupiterJack is a hands free attachment for your cell phone – just plug the device into your phone’s headphone jack and tune your radio to the proper station – you can then hear your conversation through your cars speakers.

Until recently, the Jupiter Jack infomercial had been airing with Billy Mays.  I noticed that Anthony Sullivan is now pitching this product in the latest TV spots. That’s not all that’s changed though. The radio channel used has been updated to 99.3FM – it had been 88.7FM in the past. And also, there’s a new lower price. Right now, they are running a Buy One Get One Free offer, so you get 2 of the Jupiter Jack units. Like most of these offers, you do have to pay extra shipping for the free unit.