Last week I wrote about how the warmer has got me really feeling the pressure to get fit, tan, and hairless before donning a sundress, shorts, tank tops, or *gasp* swimsuit.  With the help of seen-on-tv hair removers, the smooth part is coming into play, but I don’t yet have the energy, will power, or stamina to conquer the fit part.  That leaves me with getting a tan without destroying my skin.  Although I love to bask in the sun, it’s not yet warm enough to do so.  I’d like to have that sun-kissed glow before actually having my legs make an appearance.  I don’t want to spend two weeks blinding the neighbors with the glare off my pasty skin before a natural tan develops.  Also, I don’t want to look like this:

It’s okay.  You can go scrub your eyes out with bleach.  I’ll wait.

Now, I have a feeling that tan had its beginnings in the Eighties, when baby oil and aluminum foil were the way to get a golden, ultra-dark tan.  You know, like this most Famous Tan of All:

The evolution of the tan is interesting.  Originally, tanned skin was a sign of being poor and having to work hard.  Bonnets and hats protected faces from the ravages of the sun.  Later, a tan was a sign of a life of leisure and of good, sporty health.  But after years of baking their skin in the sun, people began to see damage from aging, spots, wrinkles, and skin cancer.  Suddenly, a tan didn’t seem so healthy . . . but it still looked good:

Why, yes, that IS me in the picture.  Funny you should ask.

(Okay.  That was a lie.)

As an effort to tan safely, people turned to salon and at home tanning beds–until they realized the same damaging rays are in electronic tans.  This early 1980′s era at home tanner is an example of the misguided measures people took to get a sunless tan:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AiqkpcEL6JA

Fortunately, sunless tanning has developed (pardon the pun).  From damaging electronic tans to frighteningly orange self-tanner creams, we have evolved to smoothly applied, non-streaking sunless tanning lotions and even airbrush tans and spray tans for a natural glow, minus the orange, tanned palms that are the telltale sign of a fake bake.

Of course, infomercial sunless tanners have found a way to make sunless tanning at home easier and more effective than ever.  Solerra Tanning Mitts save your palms and give you a mess-free way to easily apply your self tanner.  For an airbrush tan without salon prices, try Luminess Airbrush Tan.

As I countdown to spring, I’ll have smooth, golden skin.  I guess I’m running out of time to get started on the whole “fit” part of it.  I don’t guess it will matter how tan and hairless I am if I look like this in my bathing suit:

Oh, never mind.  All the pictures I found would make you use up all of your bleach.  Just imagine an open can of biscuit dough shoved into a bikini.

Next week — Spring Fever III:  Fit for the Beach

Hair Remover Help You Kick off Spring with Smooth Skin

Here in our neck of the woods, we’ve gone from record lows to record highs in only a week.   With sub-arctic temps of -38 degrees one week and beautifully warm days in the 80′s the next, we’ve quite literally had a temperature swing of 120 degrees.  With the sneak preview of spring, I’ve realized that in just a few short weeks, it will be time to start thinking about things like wearing skirts without tights and boots, or (gasp) baring my legs in shorts.  This means, of course, I’ll have to start regularly removing the hair from my winter Sasquatch legs . . . and shaving higher than my knees.  Of course, shaving isn’t the only option in hair removal.  Waxing, depilatory creams and gels, even buffers can help make your legs presentable.  Or if not presentable (be sure to tune in next week to read about as seen on TV tanning options), at least smooth and hairless.

The hair remover that paved the way for every future infomercial hair remover is, of course, the unfortunately named Nad’s.  Nad’s was named for Nadine, the daughter of the hair remover’s Australian inventor.  Unfortunately, that name doesn’t translate well for American audiences.  Particularly when uttered by someone using the awkward hand motions in this early Nad’s infomercial:

I find it interesting to compare this early infomercial with the as seen on TV offerings today.  Generally, to advertise a hair remover these days, one would show off a model’s lean, sleek, hair free legs.  The early Nad’s infomercial, however, takes the interesting approach of offering the testimony of two heavyset, hirsute women with nary a smooth, bare leg in sight.

Painless Hair Remover Options

Hair remover products today offer a variety of methods, most of which promote the idea of pain-free hair removal.  Smooth Away (complete with smooth, leggy model) promotes buffing the hair away.  Hair Block is a mess-free roll on depilatory.  Other methods are similar to professional hair remover devices:  Slique replicates the ancient-yet-trendy threading, while No! No! Hair mimics a laser hair remover.

So with Spring teasing me relentlessly, I eagerly anticipate the warmer weather while simultaneously dreading the complications to my beauty and hygiene routine.  No more hiding under bulky sweaters and long pants.  Warm weather means bare skin, and for this pasty, pudgy, slighly prickly writer, it means it’s time to break out the hair remover, the self tanner, and break out Insanity to get fit quick.

But that’s a lot of change from my lethargic winter cocoon.  Let’s not get too crazy yet.  Baby steps.

First, the hair remover.  Everything else follows.

For a very special, post-holiday version of Way Back Wednesday, we’re going all the way back to last week to look closely at the perils of Thanksgiving.  While you may think that scorched sweet potatoes or being forced to endure Great Aunt Tillie’s Mystery Jello Mold may rank among the greatest dangers of Thanksgiving, such thoughts are woefully misguided.  Oh, no, my friend–the hazards are much, much more horrifying.

Enter Exhibit A:

Photo credit: ehow.com

Fortunately, until your As Seen on TV exercise videos and infomercial fitness equipment kick in, there’s the Perfect Fit Button, which our unfortunate Thanksgiving victim above clearly needs.  With the Perfect Fit Button, he could adjust his waistband to give him a little extra breathing room until January when he resolves to lose that spare tire, instead of simply walking around with his pants open like some kind of Thanksgiving pervert.  (Uncle Bill, take note.)

What’s that you say?  Gaining a few holiday pounds is not a true danger?  Well, tell that to your cardiologist, and then take a look at this holiday horror–the exploding deep fried turkey:

Strangely, this phenomenon is so common, there are even Public Service Announcements warning people against deep frying a turkey.  The number of videos of people setting their holiday meal on fire (not to mention their eyebrows) is staggering.  Luckily, there is an infomercial cooking product to save the day and keep you from looking like this in all of your family holiday photos:

From NBC's Seinfeld

The Butterball Indoor Electric Turkey Fryer is safe enough to use on your kitchen countertop, with a fill-line to keep you from overfilling your grease, which, in a traditional turkey fryer would spill over the top and onto the open flame below, thus incinerating your backyard.  Also, the Butterball Turkey Fryer has a heating element that submerges into the unit, rather using an actual fire. Thanks to Butterball, you no longer have to try to stretch your holiday meal, sans turkey, to feed the entire fire department in addition to your passel of relations–including Aunt Tillie and Uncle Bill.

My plan for this day-before-Thanksgiving post was to talk about all the infomercial kitchen products designed to make your life easier, since some of us (not me) will spend hours slaving in the kitchen to create a feast that will be devoured in approximately 30 minutes, preceded by whines of “When is dinner going to be ready,” and followed up by lengthy naps in front of the television.

Yep, that was the plan, until during the course of my Way Back Research, I discovered a product I just have to share with you.  I am so dumbfounded by this product, that I have no words to introduce it to you.  Instead, I will just allow you to be as shocked and confused by it as I am:

Really?  The UroClub?  I’m telling you, this thing not only blows my mind, but it puts the Potty Putter to shame.  You’d think all golfers had overactive bladders.  I mean, you can practice putting while you take care of “business,” and you no longer have to be bothered with the call of Mother Nature when you’re on the green.  It’s . . . disturbing, really.

You know, the point of all as seen on TV products is to solve a common problem, to take an ordinary task and make it easier.  Is grooming your dog difficult?  Try the ShedVac.  Low-cut tops showing too much for the office?  Cami Secret saves the day.  Pants too tight?  The Perfect Fit Button saves your post-holiday wardrobe until your New Year’s Resolution kicks in.

But I’m thinking if you have to relieve yourself during a game of golf?  Do it the old-fashioned way.  Hop on your golf cart and make a pit stop at the pro shop.  Don’t pee in a fake club and carry your own urine around with you until the end of the game.  Please.

In the Way Back Wednesday Halloween post, I described the electrifying properties of Rejuvenique, and how it uses electronic impulses to stimulate the muscles of the face.  While the appearance of the Rejuvenique facial mask is somewhat disconcerting, its use of electronic impulses for muscle stimulation is a form of beauty and exercise technology that has been around for years and is a continuing method of firming, toning, and relaxing muscles.

A decade ago, electronic muscle stimulation (EMS) was used by the famous Dr. Ho in his namesake Dr. Ho’s Muscle Massager.  This device looks suspiciously like an EMS machine I once endured during a bout of physical therapy (I think I may need to call my HMO about this).  However, most viewers of the Dr. Ho infomercial–at least most male viewers–won’t notice a thing about how the Muscle Massager looks.  See, much like fellow infomercial host Tom Vu, Dr. Ho relied heavily on scantily clad women in need of electronic stimulation.  In fact, male viewers may have been so busy noticing the models that they may not have even realized that one bikini beauty exclaims, after sampling the Muscle Massager, that she no longer needs men:

Now, the use of electronic muscle stimulation can be hazardous to certain groups.  As Dr. Ho states in his disclaimer, these devices are “not to be used by pregnant women, people with pacemakers, or epileptics.”

Or by idiots:

Electronic muscle stimulation (EMS) is a valid technology, however.  Remember, I mentioned earlier that EMS was used in physical therapy, and regardless of my joke about checking with my HMO to see if Dr. Ho is on my preferred provider list, the EMS is one of the reasons I’m not hobbling around like a geriatric at the age of . . . um . . . never mind.

Some modern electronic muscle stimulators that can be seen on TV include several that are used for strengthening and tightening the muscles of the abs.  Absonic, Abtronic, and the Contour Ab Belt have been among the more popular electronic ab stimulators seen on television infomercials.

The latest development in electronic stomach toning medical technology is the Flex Belt.  The FlexBelt ab belt has been clinically tested and proven to stimulate the abdominal muscles up to 150 times per thirty minute session.  Most importantly, the Flex Belt is the only EMS device to be cleared by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as a Class II Medical Device to be sold directly to the consumer.  Take that, HMO.

I love Fall.  It is by far my favorite season, and I’ll admit that I start planning Halloween costumes and decorations far in advance of the actual season.  In my neck of the woods, temperatures are often in the 80′s well into October, but I’ll throw on a pot of chili just as a matter of principle.  However, when football season hits, I start dreaming of cooler weather, beautiful foliage, and pumpkins on every doorstep.  I hate to be cold, so when the weather is cool, I love nothing more than snuggling on the couch under a warm blanket.  That’s why this year, I’m going to cave and get a Snuggie.  Oh, how I mocked the Snuggie when it first came out.  I believe I’ve even mocked it here on Way Back Wednesday.  But I borrowed one in a freak snowstorm last winter and fell in love with it.   Now that you can order a Sports Snuggie, it will be the perfect accompaniment to college football, one of the truly great things about Fall.

You know, the idea behind Snuggie is not new.  In fact, there is another blanket with sleeves called the Slanket.  Now, I ask you:  which would you rather cuddle up with?  A Snuggie (insert cozy, warm, cuddly images here) or a Slanket (“Marv!  Call the plumber!  The drain is backed up and there’s slanket all over the floors!”).  The Snuggie has become a smash hit in the world of blankets and in the world of infomercial products in general.  I think it has a lot to do with the name.

A name can make or break a product.  Here I am going to give you a list of some of the most poorly named infomercial products available.  These names are so ill-conceived that I can’t even comprehend the strategy behind them.  In fact, these names are so unspeakably bad that I’m going to refrain from making my usual snarky comments and just let these horrible product names speak for themselves.

• Catch It:  A litter box product designed to help scoop the kitty business from the litter.  Go ahead.  Say it out loud and think about the product.  You’ll get it.
• Nads:  An all-natural hair removal product supposedly named for its creator’s daughter.
• Magic Bullet:  It’s a blender.  Duh.
• Rack Trap:  I guess this is exactly what it says it is.  It’s a little pocket you put inside your bra.  That’s an even worse name than The Hooter Hider nursing cover.

Last but certainly not least on my horribly named products list is . . . well, I’ll just let you see the infomercial that was really, truly, honest-to-goodness seen on TV:

That’s T-I-D-D-Y.  Can you even imagine the product proposal meeting where that name was chosen?  I mean, what names did they turn down, for the love of Pete?!

It just makes my brain hurt.

This week’s post was inspired by my flat iron.  Whenever I leave the salon, my hair is smooth and shiny, but when I try to duplicate the results at home, my hair snags on the straightener and just looks fuzzy.  I’ve decided that I need to get a new straightener, and I’m trying to decide between the InStyler and the Paris Hilton Celebrity Styler.  Mulling my possibilities, I started to think about hairdos of the past, when I wanted anything but straight hair.  Frizzy perms, big bangs . . . ah, the mall hair of the 80′s.

And hair of the 80′s is what brings me to the topic of today’s post.  How could I possibly consider Way Back Wednesday to be an in-depth expose of popular infomercial products of the past without dredging up the FlowBee?

The FlowBee was the vacuum-slash-haircutting tool that people all across the nation were snatching up in order to give really bad haircuts to defenseless children.  The FlowBee was first seen on TV infomercials in 1988, and it was hawked by its creator, Rick Hunt.   Hunt was a carpenter who thought that there had to be a good way to get the sawdust out of his hair . . . and give himself a haircut at the same time.  Thus, the FlowBee was born.

Hunt took his invention to the television airwaves and launched a home-styling phenomenon.  How could the FlowBee fail to be successful when it was marketed with such lines as, “I’m a carpenter.  I’m not a hairdresser,” and the oh-so-convincing line, “As you can see, it’s a pretty good haircut for one I did on myself.”

That’s right.  It’s not just “pretty good.”  It’s pretty good for a haircut that a carpenter with no experience or training as a stylist gave himself.

Doesn’t that just make you want to rush right out and buy one?

But wait.  There’s more.

The FlowBee wasn’t just a motorized haircutting apparatus with spinning blades. The blades were actually attached to a vacuum hose.  With its rotating blades and vacuum hose, the FlowBee was one infomercial product that really . . . um . . . sucked.  No more difficult, unweildy broom to help you sweep up the remnants of your home-haircut.  The FlowBee just whisked all that mangled hair right down the hose, getting rid of all the evidence of your do-it-yourself ‘do.

Well.  Not all the evidence.  You still had to walk around in public with your FlowBee haircut.  But hey–it’s pretty good for a haircut you did yourself.

Last week we talked about how old As Seen on TV products, such as the Thighmaster, have provided the foundation for today’s modernized, highly-effective products.  Some of the products of yesteryear have become obsolete as technology has evolved.  Others just didn’t stand the test of time.

The products aren’t the only things that have had to change to keep up with the times; the infomercials themselves have had to improve in production quality and acting talent.  Marketing strategies have changed dramatically in the last several years.  To see how far As Seen on TV marketing has come, just watch some old infomercials–it can be quite entertaining!

Our focus for this week’s Way Back Wednesday combines both elements that can send a good product to the infomercial graveyard–an out-of-date product and a commercial with poor acting.