If things are starting to look a little scruffy, that’s because it is No Shave November, an event in which men refuse to shave their facial hair in an effort to bring awareness of prostate cancer.  The movement has become so big, there is even a global website, Movember, where participants can register, and it is no longer limited to men, as women can participate by ceasing to shave their legs or armpits for the month (Busy moms, here’s your excuse.  It’s not lazy; it’s noble.)

I’m not sure what refusal to shave has to do with prostate cancer awareness any more than posting the color of one’s bra on Facebook has to do with breast cancer awareness, but to each his (or her) own.  Of course, one ill effect of No Shave November means that December 1 will leave a lot of people looking like this:

Or this:

Lucky for you (and Mrs. Keisel) As Seen On TV razors and infomercial hair removal products have the answer.

For the men, Microforce Shaver, Shave Mate, and Microtouch Max, are all good ways to escape the mass of No Shave November beardom.  The Microforce Shaver is a credit card-sized electrical shaver that is designed to give you the closeness of a razor.  Its small size makes it great for travel, so Brian Wilson or Brett Keisel could easily pack it in their luggage for away games.

Of course, some people prefer a blade to an electric razor, and for those men, Shave Mate is a good solution.  Shave Mate is a six-blade razor that has shaving cream built into the handle.  Bearded athletes, take note:  This one is also good for travel.

After the initial bushiness is scraped away, the Microtouch Max All-in-One Personal Trimmer is great for getting a close trim in places razors and regular trimmers can’t reach.  Sideburns, eyebrows, neckline, and other sensitive areas can all be trimmed safely and smoothly with Microtouch Max.

Women can also use these men’s shaving products, but may prefer a more long lasting hair removal treatment.  No!No! Hair and Silkn Sensepil (“Sense Appeal”) use laser hair removal and Home Pulsed Light Technology (HPL) to destroy unwanted hair and keep skin smooth with long term hair removal.

Maybe No Shave November can give way to Depilatory December, and we’ll all be smooth and hairless.  Although, since it will be December, we may need a Snuggie or Forever Lazy to keep us warm once November’s fur is removed.

You’ve seen infomercial legend Matthew Lesko, bedecked in his question mark suit, telling consumers how to get free money from the government for more than a decade.  Now, the Riddler look-alike is the subject of a short documentary film, “The Gospel According to Matthew.”  In it, Lesko describes how he took the information used by big businesses such as Nike, Apple, and others, and brings it to individuals and small business owners, helping them get free governmental resources.

In Lesko’s As Seen On TV ads for his “free money” books, he wears his trademark suit and tells viewers that it is ridiculous to pay for something one can get for free:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLMlpY7kcdw&feature=related

This seems to be a theme in Lesko’s life.  In “The Gospel According to Matthew,” he describes that his 1987 best seller Getting Yours was essentially written by the government–not by Lesko at all.  He says, “My first New York Times bestseller was a book where I plagiarized the whole thing. Nothing in the government is copyrighted so I just want to the government printing office, bought the state book for $35 and cut and pasted. I took it to Penguin Viking and changed the titles of all the programs, went on the news shows and it became a New York Times bestseller and I didn’t write a lick.”  Lesko says he provides the government’s own information to consumers who are looking for free resources.

Of course, Lesko is not without his critics.  Because the information in his As Seen On TV finance books is readily available for free from the government, some criticize Lesko for selling the information.  However, he feels that he has consolidated the information, making it easier for individuals to access.  Though the information is available elsewhere, Lesko has done the research for consumers.

Lesko says that the government is “weird,” and points to things people can get for free–aside from cash or grants–from governmental agencies:  retired drug dogs, horses, mules, Smokey the Bear or Woodsy the Owl costumes.  He advises consumers looking for free government resources, “Don’t believe in ‘no’.”  He says that if a consumer is told “no,” they are likely asking for it the wrong way.

Though others may criticize Lesko, calling him a “symbol for self-centered free-riders,” Lesko himself sees what he does as important.  He says, “I don’t take myself seriously, but my work is serious.”  Lesko began his search for free government resources as a consultant for Fortune 500 companies before deciding to take what he learned and bring the information to average citizens.  He says, “I figured the fat cats were going to get it with or without me, so I wanted to educate normal people on the street what benefits are available to them.”

Watch a trailer for “The Gospel According to Matthew” below:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43AhrGFGtcU

Last week I wrote about As Seen On TV kitchen products, and this week is more of the same–although with a twist.  Last week I talked about getting ready for holiday cooking with the Butterball Indoor Electric Turkey Fryer, but this week, I have a more pressing cooking engagement on my mind.  This weekend I’ll be throwing a birthday party.  A 40th birthday party.  Which means I’ll have to make cake.  Which means I need some As Seen On TV bakeware, pronto.  But I’ll get to that in a minute.

See, because this is a 40th birthday party, we’ve decided to go with an 80′s theme.  It’s like Halloween, only earlier and for old people.  Anyway, I’ve been trying to find ways to make this a truly memorable party, even though the guest of honor may soon begin losing his memory as he gets really, really old.

First, I need a costume.  By costume,  I mean I need to raid my clothing in storage to see if anything still fits.  I considered wearing a fitness getup like one from a 1980′s infomercial exercise video:

Then I remembered that no one wants to see me in a leotard.

I know we’re going to have an 80′s soundtrack playing all night, and so I thought one of the Time Life Music compilations might just fit the bill for our evening of New Wave, One Hit Wonders, and Hair Bands.

I thought maybe I could practice some sweet dance moves with the 1980′s infomercial break dance tutorial by Alfonso Ribeiro, “Pop and Lock:”

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPWzDsS2oaw

Then I remembered the only thing I’m likely to break is a hip.

So I’m settling for making a Pac Man cake.  I figure it can’t be to hard to mess up, right?  I mean, I bake a round cake, cut out a wedge, and frost it yellow.  What could possibly go wrong?

Except I decided that if I have a Pac Man, I need a Ghost.  So . . . okay.  I make a rectangle cake and cut it into the shape of a Pac Man Ghost, then frost it pink or blue.  Okay.  I think I’ve still got it.  No problem.

Except I decided that if I have a Pac Man and a Ghost, then I need some Power Pellets to connect them.  Why do I do this to myself?

Luckily, the Power Pellets should be about the easiest part of this cake.  Maybe even easier than Pac Man, because I can almost guarantee I won’t be able to frost it smoothly and there will be crumbs all in the icing.  Why am I convinced the Power Pellets will be so easy?  Because I’m making CAKE POPS.

Now, traditionally, cake pops or cake balls are simple but time consuming.  They involve baking a cake, crumbling it, mixing in frosting, chilling, rolling a bazillion balls, dipping, more chilling . . . you get the picture.  But even though I keep adding to my party t0-do list, I’m not one for time consuming projects.

Enter Bake Pop and Tasty Top Cake Pops.  These two new As Seen On TV cake pop baking pans will let me make perfectly round Power Pellets without any crumbling or rolling.  I can just pour the cake batter into the bakeware, bake it, and I’ll have the most enviable (and delicious) Power Pellets around.

Now–it’s off to find a crimper and some industrial strength hairspray.  It’ll be, like, totally awesome.

It seems to me that mainstream television commercials are taking a cue from As Seen on TV product advertising and cashing in on the cult following retro infomercials enjoy.  If you’re wondering what on earth I’m talking about, let me just give you an example.

First, remember our Way Back Wednesday blog story about Tom Vu?  Vu hawked his As Seen on TV real estate program with the help of a rags-to-riches immigrant story–as well as buxom bikini babes and expensive toys like a yacht, a Rolls Royce, and a helicopter.  In case you’ve forgotten the old Tom Vu infomercials, or if you haven’t been keeping up with the SeenOnTV Express blog, here’s a commercial to help with the upcoming comparison:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K853GykeGH0

Now, fast forward twenty-five years or so to 2011.  DirecTV, a leading satellite television provider, has recently started airing humorous commercials that seem to spoof the elite and filthy rich.  You may have seen “The Russian” (a commercial that launched a parody website selling miniature giraffes, Sokoblovsky Farms Petite Lap Giraffes*).  DirecTV’s latest offering is “The Whale,” featuring comedian Dat Phan in an appearance that looks strikingly familiar, no?

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFDUOfRXP_k

In case you’ve missed the connection between “The Whale” and Tom Vu, let me make it a little more clear.  ”The Whale” makes repeated references to his casino winnings and going “all in.”  Tom Vu has made more than $1,500,000 in casino poker winnings, including placing second in the 2007 World Series of Poker and a ninth place finish in the Season Five World Poker Tour championship.

Deja Vu, indeed.

*I am number 1,241,584 on the waiting list for my own Petite Lap Giraffe.  I’m sure it will happen soon.  In the meantime, I wonder where I can get a ginormous panda.

Prime time news program 20/20 on ABC recently launched a special report entitled “Infomercial Nation” that looked at the practices behind infomercial marketing and reviewed several top-selling As Seen On TV products.  To introduce “Infomercial Nation,” 20/20 interviewed self-proclaimed “infomercial junkie” Marisa Woolsey, then took a quick look at some of the marketing strategies used to appeal to target audiences and lovers of infomercial products.

In the episode, Marisa Woolsey says that she prefers to be called an infomercial junkie, rather than an addict.  Her compulsion to buy infomercial products, she says, comes from an overwhelming desire to know if the products really work as they claim to.  When Woolsey’s infomercial buying began to impact the family budget, Woolsey took a second job rather than curbing her spending.  She likens receiving a product in the mail to opening presents on Christmas, saying she can’t wait to try out her new purchase.  Apparently, Woolsey is a satisfied customer, or else she would likely not keep buying infomercial products.  In fact, she enjoys her purchases so much that she has taken her “addiction” and turned it into a service:  she has started a blog, Confessions of an Infomercial Junkie.  On her blog, she includes video reviews of each product she buys and demonstrates her personal results with each product or tool.  Her favorite As Seen On TV kitchen products and beauty products?  SodaStream, Ninja Master Prep, Bare Minerals, and the Instyler.

Though the Infomercial Junkie credits a need to know if a product’s claims are genuine with her urge to buy, Infomercial King Kevin Harrison says basic marketing strategies are at play.  Harrison, a featured investor on the ABC show Shark Tank, has been involved with over 500 infomercial products and has reached over $4 billion in sales.  According to Harrison, there are three basic elements to every successful As Seen On TV pitch:

• Tease
• Please
• Seize

In the “Tease,” says Harrison, infomercials identify a problem.  Whether the problem is as complicated as successfully hanging a picture straight or as simple as covering yourself with a blanket while trying to read makes no difference.  The point is that when the pitchman asks, “Has this every happened to you?” you answer with a resounding, “Yes!  And it drives me nuts!”  Identifying this nuisance in your life makes you realize there has to be a better way.

Next comes the “Please.”  In this stage of the infomercial, you are shown the solution to your problem:  a blanket with sleeves (Snuggie), a gadget that automatically stirs your pot (RoboStir), a hair styler that leaves your hair sleek and shiny in less time without damaging your hair (Instyler).  For many people, finding a solution to the problem identified in the “Tease” is enough to trigger an urge to buy, but just in case it isn’t, the third phase of the infomercial pitch is employed.

The “Seize” is the infomercial’s attempt to seal the deal, to entice those who may be on the fence about the product to go ahead and buy.  The most common element of the “Seize” is offering something extra to the consumer.  ”But wait, there’s more,” is the common As Seen On TV phrase that triggers the special, limited time bonus offer.  Buy one get one free, free with purchase, free bonuses . . . these are all an attempt to convince consumers to go ahead an buy the infomercial product.

Regardless of consumers know about these common marketing elements, their basic needs and emotions are what ultimately influence their decision to buy.  If an As Seen On TV product will make their lives easier, will provide a solution to an annoying problem, will help them look better, or will provide comfort, then they are likely to buy that product.

View the entire 20/20 Infomercial Junkie segment here:
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Peh2WN6Y4Ks

As Seen on TV Sunglasses, 1990′s Style

On the first day of summer, we bring you an innovation in sun protection, “an important development that’s keeping pace with the changing look of the 1990′s.”  This “important development” was a veritable revolution, changing the way active, beautiful people protect their bright, beautiful eyes from harmful UV rays.  As you will see from the infomercial, influenced not only sun care and eye protection, but also fashion accessories for the following decades.

Or maybe not.

Behold the Digi Sportlens:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8odl5Z874e8

According to the Digi Sportlens commercial, prior to the 1990′s, the sun’s rays were not harmful.  It was perfectly safe to sunbathe, tan, and otherwise bask in the sun’s rays without protection.  That’s why all those prairie farm girls wore bonnets and why the brims of cowboy hats are so wide–because WHO KNEW that sun could be damaging?

The beach-strolling pitch-couple warns that the 1990′s sun is more menacing than the “kinder, gentler” sun of previous eras due to the CFC’s that damaged the ozone layer.  Such a vitriolic sun could only be defeated by a technological breakthrough:  The Giant Visor Sunglasses Combo.

Perhaps the infomercial tactic of threatening people with imminent doom from a corroding ozone layer was not the best approach, because further Digi Sportlens commercials added emphasis to the fashionable nature of the beast:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaZNbReRAD8

That’s right, folks.  The Digi Sportlens is a “state-of-the-art modular system that conforms to the contours of your face.”  (And ohmygoodness, don’t you just love that guy’s shirt?!)  In this version of the infomercial, beautiful, big haired, bathing beauties parade around in their oh-so-stylish Digi Sportlens visors.

By the sheer number of Digi Sportlens rip-offs we still see today (approximately zero by my last count), we can clearly see that this trend took off like . . . fanny packs.

One thing they did get right, and that is that savvy consumers know that the sun’s rays are damaging, particularly to the eyes and the delicate skin around the eyes.  However, people aren’t willing to sacrifice style by wearing ginormous visor glasses.  As Seen On TV sunglasses like the HD Vision Aviators and Eagle Eyes Sunglasses offer superior sun protection, visual clarity, and stylish frames.

Because even if you are built like a brick house, Digi Sportlens is still going to make you look like a raging goofball.

Eighties Technology in Infomercial Electronics

The 1980′s brought about some huge technological breakthroughs, the evolution of which shaped the electronics that have become so ubiquitous today.  Consider:

The Mobile Phone:

Portable Music Players:

Data Storage:

Home Computers:

Video Gaming:

Home Theater:

Whatever was Strong Enough to Make Her Hair Do This:

And, of course, the Invention that Allowed Chet and Gary to Put Bras on Their Heads and Turn a Barbie Doll into Kelly LeBrock:

All grand technological inventions, no?  But none, perhaps, surpasses this legendary As Seen on TV electronics innovation:  The Calculator Watch.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUqyime4WTY

Not just a technological breakthrough, but a fashion statement as well.  Form and function combine into one amazing infomercial product that appealed to nerds everywhere.  According to the Calculator Watch infomercial, the watch has 21 phenomenal features–three of which are the ability to DISPLAY TIME, and one of which is the price, which is . . . not a feature.

For most of the aforementioned 1980′s technology, the successors are fairly evident.  Cell phones and home computers are still around, but they are much much smaller and have infinitely increased capabilities.  Data storage has dramatically decreased in physical size while voluminously increasing storage capability.  VCR, VHS, and BetaMax gave way to DVD players, TiVO, and Vide0-on-Demand.

But what about the Calculator Watch?  What would you say is its modern counterpart?

Life Mimics Art, and As Seen On TV Exercise Products are No Exception

Strangely shaped walking shoes designed to shape and firm your derriere have recently become quite popular.  On one hand, I’m intrigued, because anything that will give me a workout without me having to, you know, work out sounds a-okay to me.  On the other hand, I think these shoes with the bulky, curved soles look flat ridiculous.  Whenever I see them, I can’t help but think of the old Seinfeld episode, “The Jimmy.”

In “The Jimmy,” George and Jerry befriend Jimmy who wears special shoes that are supposed to help him jump higher.  Somehow, Kramer ends up wearing the shoes, and yada, yada, yada . . . Mel Torme thinks he’s mentally challenged.

This is what Jimmy’s shoes look like:

As much as I think the new shape-up, toning shoes look ridiculous and make me think of Jimmy’s shoes, I found As Seen On TV exercise equipment from the 1980′s and 1990′s that out-jimmies Jimmy.

Enter the Exerlopers:

The spring-soled Exerlopers are designed to:

• Reduce shock to the joints associated with running
• Maximize your workout by adding varied motion to your running
• Increase your speed and your vertical leap with spring supported action
• Make you look like a complete fool

Exerlopers were developed in the mid-1980′s by Canadian inventor Gregory Lekhtman, and enjoyed celebrity fame in 1993 when Lekhtman’s girlfriend, then-Canadian Prime Minister Kim Campbell, was seen wearing Exerlopers as she exercised.

Exerlopers are still available today, and you can even adapt them for an at-home workout using Insta-Runner.  According to the Exerlopers website, Insta-Runner is a “unique collapsible running stand which provides a workout for the upper and lower body.”  The handlebars on the Insta-Runner swivel to provide upper body resistance while you run in place wearing your Exerlopers.

As Seen on TV Exercise Equipment for Multi-Taskers

The idea behind Exerlopers is sound exercise advice.  Why simply run when you can run AND jump at the same time?  Why do cardio alone when you can combine cardio and strength training in one workout?  People want maximum results in minimum time, and infomercial exercise videos and equipment that allow you to combine effective fitness routines are among the most popular As Seen On TV products available.

The Bowflex Treadclimber combines the motion of a stairclimber, a treadmill, and an elliptical trainer to amplify fat-burning cardio.  FlexShaper is designed to combine resistance training with aerobic exercise for simultaneous toning and fat burning.

Products using Electrical Muscle Stimulation (EMS), like the FlexBelt ab belt or the FlexMini butt and thigh toner, let you discreetly work out your abs or lower body as you go about your daily business.

Of course, if modesty is not important when it comes to your As Seen On TV exercise routine (you’re not still wearing spandex pants, are you?) then Exerlopers are, er, leaps and bounds beyond discretion.

Every so often in my research of As Seen On TV products, I come across a television infomercial that really leaves me wondering . . . is this for real?  Whether its the product or the marketing, sometimes I can’t figure out if I’ve discovered an actual infomercial or an infomercial parody.

Today I came across the TV infomercial for The BackUp, a bedside gun rack.  Yes, that’s right.  A gun rack for your mattress:

The informercial stresses the importance of being safe in your own home, and if a shotgun strapped to your mattress doesn’t just SCREAM safety, I don’t know what does.

The infomercial for The BackUp uses a common marketing technique–you’ve heard that sex sells, but so does fear.  (Remember our discussion of the TigerLight commercial?  I can’t watch that infomercial without getting nightmares.)  The BackUp starts by giving you statistics about home invasions:

• “A house, apartment,  or condo is burglarized every 15 seconds.”
• “It only takes 60 seconds to break into most homes.

Those crucial seconds between the time it would take to get a handgun out of your nightstand and the time it would take to just reach down beside your mattress are vital.  VITAL. However, I find the images of people lying in bed and taking aim to be a little disturbing.  I mean, how many other infomercials can you name in which you see people actually pointing a gun?

The BackUp then appeals to your sense of patriotism.  Having a shotgun by your bed is your American.  Right. If you don’t get The BackUp, the Commies win.

The infomercial product website for The BackUp includes other gems:

• “Where is your shotgun?  Under the bed, in the corner, or in the closet. If so, you’ll never reach it when you need it.”
• “The BackUp is made in the USA. By Americans for Americans.”
• “You need a BackUp for each side of the bed.  If you leave your wife on her side of the bed; when you’re not home then she needs access too.”

The BackUp commercial says that the product is not intended for homes with children.  Really?  Really? The website does not caution against using the BackUp in homes with children, but rather encourages users to talk about gun safety with their children.  I’m a little concerned that this product does not take a little more care in emphasizing a gun owner’s responsibility to lock up their arms if children are present.

But if you don’t have children in your home and you like to do all of your intruder-shooting while reclined comfortably against your pillows, The BackUp is the covert bedside gun rack for you.

What infomercial products leave you perplexed?

Let’s face it.  All I had to do was put “Clap on!” in the title of this post and you now have the nearly 30-year-old jingle for The Clapper stuck in your head.

“Clap on!  Clap off!  Clap on, clap off–The Clapper!” the commercial proclaims with the precision of a military cadence.  And now, thanks to SeenOnTV Express and Way Back Wednesday, you too will be chanting this jingle.  All.  Day.  Long.

In case you were living in a cave or on a deserted island during the 1980′s and have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s the original Clapper commercial, as seen on TV during the era of big hair and Flock of Seagulls:

I find it hard to believe that we have been bringing you Way Back Wednesday’s retrospective look at infomercial products for nearly a year, and I have failed to discuss The Clapper, an icon of electronic innovation and extreme laziness.

After all . . . we had one.

My parents installed a Clapper in their bedroom–and by “installed,” I mean “plugged in.”   They plugged their television into the Clapper so that they could turn off the TV after the nightly news without getting out of bed.  As kids, we found it immensely entertaining to CLAP ON and CLAP OFF the television, and would even watch the 13-inch black and white TV in their room for the sheer elation of being the ones to get to clap twice and turn off the TV.  In fact, we would fight over the opportunity.

Which led to an interesting discovery.

You see, you don’t have to clap to turn a Clapper on and off.  Any loud noise will do.  In a household with four kids, any sibling brawl particularly heated argument could lead to the television flicking on and off repeatedly.

Once we realized how the Clapper was noise activated, our laziness increased.  Now we no longer had to use our arms!  We could lie motionless and shout, “TURN!  OFF!”  and the screen would go black, except for the lingering dot of light in the center of the television screen that would take an inordinately long time to finally fade away.

By the time I left for college, the novelty of the Clapper, still in use in the master bedroom, had dimmed like the screen of the tiny black and white television.  Perhaps that is because I was older.  Wiser.  More jaded.

Or perhaps it was because I didn’t know that the Clapper had been upgraded.  That’s right, folks–1992 issued in the Smart Clapper.  “How smart can it be?”  Funny you should ask:

Mock if you will, but I say we bring back the Clapper.  Sure we have remotes for our televisions now . . . but can you ever find yours when you need it?   What about Christmas lights?  Floor lamps?  And how will the kids be amused as you shout at them to CLEAN YOUR ROOM NOW if your appliances aren’t sporadically powered on and off during your tirade?

Clap on, my friend.  Clap on.