In the past, when the SeenOnTV Express blog has described an As Seen On TV product on our “Way Back Wednesday” feature, the tone of the article has frequently been a bit snarky.  I mean, let’s face it–some of those early ’80s infomercials  we originally featured were a bit ridiculous.  Today, however, I would like to pay homage to an earlier product that launched a new way to clean:  The Steam Buggy.  One of  the first products offered in our As Seen On TV catalog, the Steam Buggy was a portable steam cleaner that allowed users to clean and sanitize hard-to-clean areas throughout their homes.  It was one of the first products to bring the professional power of steam cleaning right into your home, and since its introduction, steam mops and other steam cleaners have become common ways to powerfully and effectively clean floors, kitchens, bathrooms, and more.

So what is it that has brought about my new-found admiration for steam cleaning?  Having a three-and-a-half-year-old dinner companion leaves my kitchen floor in need of a Hazmat crew after every meal.  Ever since we introduced solid food roughly three years ago, we have been sweeping, wiping, mopping, and chiseling food from our lovely cream-colored tile.  Dealing with the kitchen floor seems as unending and relentless as laundry.  I would sooner try to sweep the sand from the Sahara as attempt to maintain a clean kitchen floor.

We currently have four rotating methods for cleaning our kitchen floor:

• Fastidiously wipe up any spills, vacuum any messes, and sweep or mop the offending area after each meal.
• Give the kitchen floor a quick clean-up at the end of each day.
• Clean up the big, gross spots ASAP, but save the mopping for a weekly chore.
• Ignore it and hope the Mop Fairy makes a surprise visit before the grime on the floor petrifies and becomes a permanent pattern on the tile.

None of these methods are particularly effective for our family.  The first takes too much time.  The second is also pretty time consuming and also doesn’t get the floor as clean as I would like.  The third leaves me cringing every time I walk through the kitchen until Mop Day.  And the fourth?  Well, that’s just gross, and apparently, the Mop Fairy is on strike.

Because none of our floor cleaning methods are able to sufficiently battle a preschooler at mealtime, I’ve been looking for a quick and easy way to really, thoroughly clean the floor without spending too much time behind a broomstick.  I have really been considering a steam cleaner to power away the stuck-on foods and to sanitize the floors–particularly since we will be adding another little mealtime terror to the mix in just a few months, one who will be crawling on the very floors in question.

Though the Steam Buggy served its purpose, I’m looking for something a little more conducive to cleaning an entire floor.  Today’s As Seen On TV steam mops seem to fit the bill.  Two products in particular have caught my eye:  the One Touch Steam Tornado and the Shark Professional Steam Pocket Mop.  Both of these steam cleaners are lightweight and feature an upright design.  The Shark Pro Steamer has the look of typical sweeper mops, but provides three levels of steam control, reusable cleaning cloths, shaped cleaning heads, and a carpet glider head for carpet cleaning.  The One Touch Steam Tornado can be used as an upright or handheld device for cleaning virtually anywhere and also features washable, reusable microfiber cleaning pads.

Finally, getting steamed over our kitchen floors is a good thing.

For your first SeenOnTV Express blog post of 2012, we’re going to bring back Way Back Wednesday, looking back at the As Seen On TV products that have shaped the infomercial products of today.  Since the new year brings with it resolutions to lose weight and get fit, this week’s Way Back Wednesday post is going to focus on one of the leading As Seen On TV fitness gurus.  No, we’re not talking about Jane Fonda or Richard Simmons here.  We’re talking about none other than direct response marketing’s hirsute hero Tony Little.

Tony Little is perhaps best known for marketing the Gazelle in his fitness infomercials.  The Gazelle is not a treadmill, cross coutry ski machine, or elliptical trainer; rather, it is a “glider.”  To get a low-impact aerobic workout, Gazelle users glide their legs back and forth as seen in this iconic infomercial for Tony Little’s Gazelle:

However, Tony Little does so much more than the Gazelle.  In fact, he has more than 130 products ranging from exercise equipment such as the Gazelle, the Ab Lounger, and the X-Band Exerciser to Cheeks Footwear fit body shoes.  From pillows to bison meat, Tony Little sells just about anything designed to help his followers live a healthier life.

Tony Little has become such an infomercial legend that he has been featured on ABC News’ Nightline and Forbes Video.  The Forbes feature demonstrates how Tony Little has overcome adversity in order to build an infomercial fitness empire totaling more than $3 billion in product sales:

Nightline‘s in-depth feature looked at Tony Little from all angles, from his famous hair to this “best of Tony Little” montage:

Tony Little’s As Seen On TV exercise equipment makes his workouts look completely achievable.  Whereas the current trend in infomercial fitness is videos and equipment that look hard-core, Tony Little portrays his products as low-impact yet effective.  He encourages viewers through his trademark, “You can do it!”

What you can’t do, however, is get this picture out of your head:

You’re welcome.

Last week I wrote about As Seen On TV kitchen products, and this week is more of the same–although with a twist.  Last week I talked about getting ready for holiday cooking with the Butterball Indoor Electric Turkey Fryer, but this week, I have a more pressing cooking engagement on my mind.  This weekend I’ll be throwing a birthday party.  A 40th birthday party.  Which means I’ll have to make cake.  Which means I need some As Seen On TV bakeware, pronto.  But I’ll get to that in a minute.

See, because this is a 40th birthday party, we’ve decided to go with an 80′s theme.  It’s like Halloween, only earlier and for old people.  Anyway, I’ve been trying to find ways to make this a truly memorable party, even though the guest of honor may soon begin losing his memory as he gets really, really old.

First, I need a costume.  By costume,  I mean I need to raid my clothing in storage to see if anything still fits.  I considered wearing a fitness getup like one from a 1980′s infomercial exercise video:

Then I remembered that no one wants to see me in a leotard.

I know we’re going to have an 80′s soundtrack playing all night, and so I thought one of the Time Life Music compilations might just fit the bill for our evening of New Wave, One Hit Wonders, and Hair Bands.

I thought maybe I could practice some sweet dance moves with the 1980′s infomercial break dance tutorial by Alfonso Ribeiro, “Pop and Lock:”

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPWzDsS2oaw

Then I remembered the only thing I’m likely to break is a hip.

So I’m settling for making a Pac Man cake.  I figure it can’t be to hard to mess up, right?  I mean, I bake a round cake, cut out a wedge, and frost it yellow.  What could possibly go wrong?

Except I decided that if I have a Pac Man, I need a Ghost.  So . . . okay.  I make a rectangle cake and cut it into the shape of a Pac Man Ghost, then frost it pink or blue.  Okay.  I think I’ve still got it.  No problem.

Except I decided that if I have a Pac Man and a Ghost, then I need some Power Pellets to connect them.  Why do I do this to myself?

Luckily, the Power Pellets should be about the easiest part of this cake.  Maybe even easier than Pac Man, because I can almost guarantee I won’t be able to frost it smoothly and there will be crumbs all in the icing.  Why am I convinced the Power Pellets will be so easy?  Because I’m making CAKE POPS.

Now, traditionally, cake pops or cake balls are simple but time consuming.  They involve baking a cake, crumbling it, mixing in frosting, chilling, rolling a bazillion balls, dipping, more chilling . . . you get the picture.  But even though I keep adding to my party t0-do list, I’m not one for time consuming projects.

Enter Bake Pop and Tasty Top Cake Pops.  These two new As Seen On TV cake pop baking pans will let me make perfectly round Power Pellets without any crumbling or rolling.  I can just pour the cake batter into the bakeware, bake it, and I’ll have the most enviable (and delicious) Power Pellets around.

Now–it’s off to find a crimper and some industrial strength hairspray.  It’ll be, like, totally awesome.

It seems to me that mainstream television commercials are taking a cue from As Seen on TV product advertising and cashing in on the cult following retro infomercials enjoy.  If you’re wondering what on earth I’m talking about, let me just give you an example.

First, remember our Way Back Wednesday blog story about Tom Vu?  Vu hawked his As Seen on TV real estate program with the help of a rags-to-riches immigrant story–as well as buxom bikini babes and expensive toys like a yacht, a Rolls Royce, and a helicopter.  In case you’ve forgotten the old Tom Vu infomercials, or if you haven’t been keeping up with the SeenOnTV Express blog, here’s a commercial to help with the upcoming comparison:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K853GykeGH0

Now, fast forward twenty-five years or so to 2011.  DirecTV, a leading satellite television provider, has recently started airing humorous commercials that seem to spoof the elite and filthy rich.  You may have seen “The Russian” (a commercial that launched a parody website selling miniature giraffes, Sokoblovsky Farms Petite Lap Giraffes*).  DirecTV’s latest offering is “The Whale,” featuring comedian Dat Phan in an appearance that looks strikingly familiar, no?

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFDUOfRXP_k

In case you’ve missed the connection between “The Whale” and Tom Vu, let me make it a little more clear.  ”The Whale” makes repeated references to his casino winnings and going “all in.”  Tom Vu has made more than $1,500,000 in casino poker winnings, including placing second in the 2007 World Series of Poker and a ninth place finish in the Season Five World Poker Tour championship.

Deja Vu, indeed.

*I am number 1,241,584 on the waiting list for my own Petite Lap Giraffe.  I’m sure it will happen soon.  In the meantime, I wonder where I can get a ginormous panda.

As Seen on TV Sunglasses, 1990′s Style

On the first day of summer, we bring you an innovation in sun protection, “an important development that’s keeping pace with the changing look of the 1990′s.”  This “important development” was a veritable revolution, changing the way active, beautiful people protect their bright, beautiful eyes from harmful UV rays.  As you will see from the infomercial, influenced not only sun care and eye protection, but also fashion accessories for the following decades.

Or maybe not.

Behold the Digi Sportlens:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8odl5Z874e8

According to the Digi Sportlens commercial, prior to the 1990′s, the sun’s rays were not harmful.  It was perfectly safe to sunbathe, tan, and otherwise bask in the sun’s rays without protection.  That’s why all those prairie farm girls wore bonnets and why the brims of cowboy hats are so wide–because WHO KNEW that sun could be damaging?

The beach-strolling pitch-couple warns that the 1990′s sun is more menacing than the “kinder, gentler” sun of previous eras due to the CFC’s that damaged the ozone layer.  Such a vitriolic sun could only be defeated by a technological breakthrough:  The Giant Visor Sunglasses Combo.

Perhaps the infomercial tactic of threatening people with imminent doom from a corroding ozone layer was not the best approach, because further Digi Sportlens commercials added emphasis to the fashionable nature of the beast:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaZNbReRAD8

That’s right, folks.  The Digi Sportlens is a “state-of-the-art modular system that conforms to the contours of your face.”  (And ohmygoodness, don’t you just love that guy’s shirt?!)  In this version of the infomercial, beautiful, big haired, bathing beauties parade around in their oh-so-stylish Digi Sportlens visors.

By the sheer number of Digi Sportlens rip-offs we still see today (approximately zero by my last count), we can clearly see that this trend took off like . . . fanny packs.

One thing they did get right, and that is that savvy consumers know that the sun’s rays are damaging, particularly to the eyes and the delicate skin around the eyes.  However, people aren’t willing to sacrifice style by wearing ginormous visor glasses.  As Seen On TV sunglasses like the HD Vision Aviators and Eagle Eyes Sunglasses offer superior sun protection, visual clarity, and stylish frames.

Because even if you are built like a brick house, Digi Sportlens is still going to make you look like a raging goofball.

Eighties Technology in Infomercial Electronics

The 1980′s brought about some huge technological breakthroughs, the evolution of which shaped the electronics that have become so ubiquitous today.  Consider:

The Mobile Phone:

Portable Music Players:

Data Storage:

Home Computers:

Video Gaming:

Home Theater:

Whatever was Strong Enough to Make Her Hair Do This:

And, of course, the Invention that Allowed Chet and Gary to Put Bras on Their Heads and Turn a Barbie Doll into Kelly LeBrock:

All grand technological inventions, no?  But none, perhaps, surpasses this legendary As Seen on TV electronics innovation:  The Calculator Watch.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUqyime4WTY

Not just a technological breakthrough, but a fashion statement as well.  Form and function combine into one amazing infomercial product that appealed to nerds everywhere.  According to the Calculator Watch infomercial, the watch has 21 phenomenal features–three of which are the ability to DISPLAY TIME, and one of which is the price, which is . . . not a feature.

For most of the aforementioned 1980′s technology, the successors are fairly evident.  Cell phones and home computers are still around, but they are much much smaller and have infinitely increased capabilities.  Data storage has dramatically decreased in physical size while voluminously increasing storage capability.  VCR, VHS, and BetaMax gave way to DVD players, TiVO, and Vide0-on-Demand.

But what about the Calculator Watch?  What would you say is its modern counterpart?

Life Mimics Art, and As Seen On TV Exercise Products are No Exception

Strangely shaped walking shoes designed to shape and firm your derriere have recently become quite popular.  On one hand, I’m intrigued, because anything that will give me a workout without me having to, you know, work out sounds a-okay to me.  On the other hand, I think these shoes with the bulky, curved soles look flat ridiculous.  Whenever I see them, I can’t help but think of the old Seinfeld episode, “The Jimmy.”

In “The Jimmy,” George and Jerry befriend Jimmy who wears special shoes that are supposed to help him jump higher.  Somehow, Kramer ends up wearing the shoes, and yada, yada, yada . . . Mel Torme thinks he’s mentally challenged.

This is what Jimmy’s shoes look like:

As much as I think the new shape-up, toning shoes look ridiculous and make me think of Jimmy’s shoes, I found As Seen On TV exercise equipment from the 1980′s and 1990′s that out-jimmies Jimmy.

Enter the Exerlopers:

The spring-soled Exerlopers are designed to:

• Reduce shock to the joints associated with running
• Maximize your workout by adding varied motion to your running
• Increase your speed and your vertical leap with spring supported action
• Make you look like a complete fool

Exerlopers were developed in the mid-1980′s by Canadian inventor Gregory Lekhtman, and enjoyed celebrity fame in 1993 when Lekhtman’s girlfriend, then-Canadian Prime Minister Kim Campbell, was seen wearing Exerlopers as she exercised.

Exerlopers are still available today, and you can even adapt them for an at-home workout using Insta-Runner.  According to the Exerlopers website, Insta-Runner is a “unique collapsible running stand which provides a workout for the upper and lower body.”  The handlebars on the Insta-Runner swivel to provide upper body resistance while you run in place wearing your Exerlopers.

As Seen on TV Exercise Equipment for Multi-Taskers

The idea behind Exerlopers is sound exercise advice.  Why simply run when you can run AND jump at the same time?  Why do cardio alone when you can combine cardio and strength training in one workout?  People want maximum results in minimum time, and infomercial exercise videos and equipment that allow you to combine effective fitness routines are among the most popular As Seen On TV products available.

The Bowflex Treadclimber combines the motion of a stairclimber, a treadmill, and an elliptical trainer to amplify fat-burning cardio.  FlexShaper is designed to combine resistance training with aerobic exercise for simultaneous toning and fat burning.

Products using Electrical Muscle Stimulation (EMS), like the FlexBelt ab belt or the FlexMini butt and thigh toner, let you discreetly work out your abs or lower body as you go about your daily business.

Of course, if modesty is not important when it comes to your As Seen On TV exercise routine (you’re not still wearing spandex pants, are you?) then Exerlopers are, er, leaps and bounds beyond discretion.

Let’s face it.  All I had to do was put “Clap on!” in the title of this post and you now have the nearly 30-year-old jingle for The Clapper stuck in your head.

“Clap on!  Clap off!  Clap on, clap off–The Clapper!” the commercial proclaims with the precision of a military cadence.  And now, thanks to SeenOnTV Express and Way Back Wednesday, you too will be chanting this jingle.  All.  Day.  Long.

In case you were living in a cave or on a deserted island during the 1980′s and have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s the original Clapper commercial, as seen on TV during the era of big hair and Flock of Seagulls:

I find it hard to believe that we have been bringing you Way Back Wednesday’s retrospective look at infomercial products for nearly a year, and I have failed to discuss The Clapper, an icon of electronic innovation and extreme laziness.

After all . . . we had one.

My parents installed a Clapper in their bedroom–and by “installed,” I mean “plugged in.”   They plugged their television into the Clapper so that they could turn off the TV after the nightly news without getting out of bed.  As kids, we found it immensely entertaining to CLAP ON and CLAP OFF the television, and would even watch the 13-inch black and white TV in their room for the sheer elation of being the ones to get to clap twice and turn off the TV.  In fact, we would fight over the opportunity.

Which led to an interesting discovery.

You see, you don’t have to clap to turn a Clapper on and off.  Any loud noise will do.  In a household with four kids, any sibling brawl particularly heated argument could lead to the television flicking on and off repeatedly.

Once we realized how the Clapper was noise activated, our laziness increased.  Now we no longer had to use our arms!  We could lie motionless and shout, “TURN!  OFF!”  and the screen would go black, except for the lingering dot of light in the center of the television screen that would take an inordinately long time to finally fade away.

By the time I left for college, the novelty of the Clapper, still in use in the master bedroom, had dimmed like the screen of the tiny black and white television.  Perhaps that is because I was older.  Wiser.  More jaded.

Or perhaps it was because I didn’t know that the Clapper had been upgraded.  That’s right, folks–1992 issued in the Smart Clapper.  “How smart can it be?”  Funny you should ask:

Mock if you will, but I say we bring back the Clapper.  Sure we have remotes for our televisions now . . . but can you ever find yours when you need it?   What about Christmas lights?  Floor lamps?  And how will the kids be amused as you shout at them to CLEAN YOUR ROOM NOW if your appliances aren’t sporadically powered on and off during your tirade?

Clap on, my friend.  Clap on.

I’ve been thinking a lot about fitness lately (as evidenced by my post on the torturous Jillian Michaels DVD), and I’ve also been thinking a lot about wrinkles.  Let’s face it: I’m not getting any younger, and neither are you.  Lucky for us, the airwaves are rife with exercise equipment infomercials and as seen on TV anti-aging solutions.

Unfortunately,  those seen on television innovations include contraptions like this:

The Facial Flex looks both uncomfortable and ridiculous, but then again . . . those two words pretty much sum up how I look doing any type of exercise, so I don’t know why I would think facial exercise should be any different.  I’m a little skeptical that something that causes me to make facial contortions would also cause me to “feel it in my bra line,” but maybe that’s just me.

The QVC hostess asks, “If your New Year’s resolution is to look younger, why aren’t you working out your face?”  Why, indeed.

Typical anti-aging regimens include creams, serums, and magic potions, but facial exercise could be an alternative.   Just look what six weeks* with the Facial Flex can do:

Before

After

Doesn’t she look younger already?

*These claims are completely unfounded and wildly untrue.

There are all types of pitchmen in direct-response marketing.  Billy Mays, Anthony Sullivan, and even Vince Offer (better known as “The Sham-Wow Guy”) have all become celebrities in their own right, simply by virtue of being top infomercial pitchmen. Other pitchmen are famous for promoting their own products:  Ron Popeil, Jack LaLanne, Richard Simmons, Susan Powter, Matthew Lesko, and Richard Sherer (the Video Professor) take the airwaves to sell their own programs and inventions.   Infomercial exercise videos have launched their own field of stardom with fitness experts including Billy Blanks, Shaun T, and Chalean Johnson selling challenging exercise routines to devoted fans.

Long before pitchmen became famous simply for being the visible, personable face of an infomercial product, marketers knew the importance of using a famous face to endorse their products.  Before pitchmen became celebrities, celebrities became pitchmen.

Stardom sells, and the following lists includes some of the most famous faces to launch infomercial celebrity endorsements.

• Models – Cindy Crawford (Meaningful Beauty), Christie Brinkley (Total Gym), Daisy Fuentes (Winsor Pilates), Vanessa Williams (ProActiv), Elle Macpherson (ProActiv)
• Athletes – George Foreman (George Foreman Grill and Everyday and More Cleaner), Hulk Hogan (Hulk Hogan Ultimate Grill)
• MMA – Chuck Liddell (JackRack), Georges St. Pierre (Rip60), Randy Couture (Tower 200)
• Actors/Actresses – Chuck Norris (Total Gym), Mario Lopez (Ultraflex), Barry Williams/”Greg Brady” (TimeLife70′s Music Explosion), Susan Lucci (Malibu Pilates)
• Singers/Musicians – Jessica Simpson (ProActiv), Katy Perry (ProActiv), Justin Bieber (ProActiv)

As I look through this list, I’m noticing that ProActiv Acne Solution really seems to have a corner on the celebrity pitchman market.  I mean, who doesn’t sell this stuff?  Just for fun, I’ll go ahead and post a list of Celebrities with Formerly Bad Skin who’ve appeared in ProActiv commercials:

• Julianne Hough – Dancing with the Stars
• Jenna Fischer – The Office
• Alyssa Milano – Who’s the Boss, Charmed
• Vanessa Williams – singer, actress, model, disgraced former Miss America
• Justin Bieber – singer
• Jessica Simpson – singer
• Katy Perry – singer
• Alicia Keys – singer
• Mandy Moore – singer, actress
• Jennifer Love Hewitt – actress
• Kelly Clarkson – American Idol, singer
• Avril Lavigne – singer

Celebrity endorsements lend a familiar face to the infomercial pitch, giving television viewers a sense of trust and a brush with fame.  After all, infomercial products are designed to make our lives easier, and if it’s good enough for those accustomed to a life of luxury and the finer things, shouldn’t it be good enough for us?