One of the really, really hard things about working for a company that offers As Seen On TV products is that you want to buy almost everything you see.  We’ve discussed before how infomercial products are designed to fill a need that you may not have even realized you had, so when I see a product that solves any dilemma in my life, or that looks fun, or that will make things easier, or . . . well, I just want it.  A lot.

Of course, money does not, in fact, grow on trees, so I have really worked to curb my impulse spending.  Instead buying the things that I oh-my-goodness-have-to-have-now, I have started keeping a mental As Seen On TV wishlist.  Here are some of my top picks on infomercial products that I desperately want (and will only be able to refrain from buying for so long):

1. The Instyler – Smooth, shiny, and bouncy hair?  Eliminate frizzies in less time?  Straight hair that isn’t smashed flat and limp?  Using one tool to curl or straighten?  Who wouldn’t love this?!  Sign me up.
2. The Flex Mini – Okay, seriously.  A butt workout without working out.  A lunge-free and squat-free way to get firm thighs and rounded glutes.  It’s on.
3. Big Top Cupcake – I don’t honestly know why I want this so badly.  I just do.  I think it would be fun to make these for my son’s birthday parties.  Or maybe it’s just the idea of a ginormous cupcake sounds so heavenly.
4. Luminess Airbrush Tan – I was raised in the era of the “healthy glow” by a mother who ingrained in me that “tan fat looks better than white fat,” but am now forced to face the facts about the sun’s damaging properties.  With an airbrush tan, maybe I could have that sunkissed look I love without those pesky wrinkles and melanoma.
5. Gyro Bowl – I have a toddler.  End of story.

Of course, this is an incomplete list of Stuff I Want.  I pretty much want every Beachbody exercise DVD program and all of the plants that let me grow my own cherries/blueberries/peppers/insert-produce-here at home.  As long as I’m doing this, I know my As Seen On TV wishlist will continue to grow like grass on a Canada Green lawn.

On a side note, a few of the products to which I’ve already succumbed include Strap Perfect, Kangaroo Keeper, Emery Cat, Snuggie, and Bare Lifts–all of which have been well worth it!

What’s on your infomercial wishlist?

Smooth, tan, hairless legs?  Check.  Toned, shapely legs?  Mm . . . not so check.  As my get-ready-for-Spring plan develops, I’m now saddled with the part I like the least.  Working out.  Time to get a beach body before I have to actually hit the beach.  Or the kiddie pool in my back yard.  Whatever.

Now, I know that working out releases endorphins, improves energy, promotes cardiovascular health, boosts metabolism, builds muscle, and all that good stuff, but the truth is, well, I’m really pretty lazy.  Some people enjoy working out, some people work out for better health, but me?  I work out so I can eat cupcakes and still button my pants.  Of course, with as seen on TV products like the Big Top Cupcake,  I may have to step up the workouts a little more (or buy the Perfect Fit Button, whichever).

In the SeenOnTV Express neck of the woods, Spring Break will be here next week.  That means that it is just a matter of moments, practically, until I will be forced to publicly unveil my legs below the knee (even possibly *gasp* above the knee) and my batwing arms will be displayed for the world as the tank tops come out of storage.  Because of the rapidly impending fabulous weather, I need a fitness program that works and works fast.

This?  This ain’t going to cut it:

I mean, sure, I could cover my calves and ankles with leg warmers, put a thick leather belt on over my briefs to try to camouflage my waist, and divert the eye of the beholder with the sheer height of my hair, but that would be cheating, right?

(And oh-my-goodness, is that guy wearing spandex capris?!)

As much as I dislike working out, I hate working out ineffectively even more.  If I’m going to go to the effort of exerting myself in any manner, I want to feel like I’ve accomplished something, I want to look like I’ve accomplished something, and I want to see results fast.  Luckily, Beachbody Fitness understands that some of us don’t want wimpy, spandex-wielding, 80′s style bending and stretching.  Instead, we want hardcore workouts with hardcore results.  P90X is designed to give you an amazing transformation in just 90 days (in other words, by the time summer vacation hits).  Insanity is a high-intensity total body conditioning program created by expert Shaun T. to give you amazing results in only 60 days.  For those intimidated by P90X and Insanity, Shaun T. brings Hip Hop Abs, because dancing sounds a lot more fun than a workout so intense you have to be “insane” to try it.  Beachbody trainer Chalene Johnson leads ChaLEAN Extreme and TurboFire–personally, I’m leaning toward one of these two fitness programs.

For those of you who spend your workouts calling on a Higher Power to help you through (and with these intense Beachbody programs, that includes me) Beachbody also offers BodyGospel, combining spiritual and physical fitness.

Now, if I can just get the motivation to actually get off the couch and DO the workouts, instead of sitting on the couch and writing about them, I may just be able to take my legs from this:

to this:

Help me get a beach body, Beachbody!

I have a cake baking in the oven (unfortunately, not a Big Top Cupcake), and it smells amazing.  There’s just nothing like the smell of freshly baked cakes, cookies, or bread.  In fact, just smelling the cake–which I’m not even going to get to eat–is making me hungry.  If I had this week’s Way Back Wednesday product handy, though, I’d be all set.

AromaTrim is weight loss product designed to help prevent its users from eating, literally stopping them mid-chew, before they could eat too much.  As the infomercial shows, all these people had to do to prevent overeating was just sniff the AromaTrim, a little piece of plastic with an undefined “herbal” odor:

Finish the brownie?  No way.  Eat three or four giant cookies? Uh-uh.  Gobble down a vat-sized cone of french fries?  Puh-lease.  Apparently, AromaTrim “changes the taste” of food through its “herbal” odor.  I’d be curious to know what kind of herb these people were inhaling . . . er, sniffing.  Stinkweed perhaps?

Regardless, I’m going to assume that it must smell pretty awful to keep Biggie there from his fries.

Strangely, AromaTrim came in two different scents–one designed to control cravings and the other designed to suppress hunger.  If it makes your food taste like swamp water, does it really matter which scent you choose?  For that matter, couldn’t you just sniff the gym sock of an overweight 7th grader?  Actually, according to AromaTrim, the special “herbal” blend scrambles your brain’s hunger signals (that’s what I’ve heard about certain “herbs”), and doesn’t merely mask the taste of the food with a truly horrendous stench.

The television airwaves are filled with infomercial weight loss products.  From “diet foods” such as Smart for Life Diet Cookies to supplements like Formula 9, SBL, and Emagrece Sim, there are a number of products designed to help you lose weight without having to resort to sniffing some unimaginable funk, replacing your hunger with nausea and repulsion.  Wouldn’t you rather take a diet supplement or eat a cookie?

Speaking of cookies, there’s the timer on my cake.  There’s no way I’d do anything to kill that smell.  Mmmmm . . .

One thing as seen on TV products are designed to do is make you feel like your ordinary way of doing things is completely ineffective.  Without these innovative infomercial products, you will be doomed to a mundane, fruitless life.  This is particularly true when it comes to kitchen products and cooking utensils.  How anyone ever managed to prepare a healthy, delicious family meal in the days before Ron Popeil is anyone’s guess.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a complete sucker for kitchen gadgets.  I once spent $45 on a tomato slicer (a fact which shall forever remain unknown to Mr. Way Back Wednesday).  Now I am able to slice tomatoes of perfectly even thickness, without squishing them into odd little oval-shaped slices and getting tomato guts everywhere.  Now isn’t that worth $45?  I’ll also admit that I’m going to be more than a little disappointed if there isn’t a Big Top Cupcake waiting for me on my birthday, and that the Slap Chop is the perfect way to take out frustrations in the kitchen.  And every time I feed the Way Back Wednesday Toddler (or as we call him, Way Little Wednesday), I long for a Gyro Bowl.

On the subject of today’s Way Back Wednesday, though, I’m a little torn.  I mean, this thing is either one of the more ridiculous things I’ve seen, or it is brilliant and I absolutely need one.  I’m talking about Pancake Puffs here.   With the Pancake Puffs pan, you no longer have to suffer through boring, flat pancakes–you can have round, giant-doughnut-hole looking pancakes!  Christopher Columbus would be proud:

Oh, wow.  How would you like to be the kid who wakes up on his birthday to find not a birthday cake, but a giant mound of frosted balls?

Now, some of those puffs sounded pretty delicious, but others made me want to throw up a little.  Plus, it the whole filling injector seemed a little creepy to me.

But hey–it comes with 50 flippin’ sticks.  What more could you want?