Smooth, tan, hairless legs?  Check.  Toned, shapely legs?  Mm . . . not so check.  As my get-ready-for-Spring plan develops, I’m now saddled with the part I like the least.  Working out.  Time to get a beach body before I have to actually hit the beach.  Or the kiddie pool in my back yard.  Whatever.

Now, I know that working out releases endorphins, improves energy, promotes cardiovascular health, boosts metabolism, builds muscle, and all that good stuff, but the truth is, well, I’m really pretty lazy.  Some people enjoy working out, some people work out for better health, but me?  I work out so I can eat cupcakes and still button my pants.  Of course, with as seen on TV products like the Big Top Cupcake,  I may have to step up the workouts a little more (or buy the Perfect Fit Button, whichever).

In the SeenOnTV Express neck of the woods, Spring Break will be here next week.  That means that it is just a matter of moments, practically, until I will be forced to publicly unveil my legs below the knee (even possibly *gasp* above the knee) and my batwing arms will be displayed for the world as the tank tops come out of storage.  Because of the rapidly impending fabulous weather, I need a fitness program that works and works fast.

This?  This ain’t going to cut it:

I mean, sure, I could cover my calves and ankles with leg warmers, put a thick leather belt on over my briefs to try to camouflage my waist, and divert the eye of the beholder with the sheer height of my hair, but that would be cheating, right?

(And oh-my-goodness, is that guy wearing spandex capris?!)

As much as I dislike working out, I hate working out ineffectively even more.  If I’m going to go to the effort of exerting myself in any manner, I want to feel like I’ve accomplished something, I want to look like I’ve accomplished something, and I want to see results fast.  Luckily, Beachbody Fitness understands that some of us don’t want wimpy, spandex-wielding, 80′s style bending and stretching.  Instead, we want hardcore workouts with hardcore results.  P90X is designed to give you an amazing transformation in just 90 days (in other words, by the time summer vacation hits).  Insanity is a high-intensity total body conditioning program created by expert Shaun T. to give you amazing results in only 60 days.  For those intimidated by P90X and Insanity, Shaun T. brings Hip Hop Abs, because dancing sounds a lot more fun than a workout so intense you have to be “insane” to try it.  Beachbody trainer Chalene Johnson leads ChaLEAN Extreme and TurboFire–personally, I’m leaning toward one of these two fitness programs.

For those of you who spend your workouts calling on a Higher Power to help you through (and with these intense Beachbody programs, that includes me) Beachbody also offers BodyGospel, combining spiritual and physical fitness.

Now, if I can just get the motivation to actually get off the couch and DO the workouts, instead of sitting on the couch and writing about them, I may just be able to take my legs from this:

to this:

Help me get a beach body, Beachbody!

Today’s workouts for men are all about working hard and getting ripped.   The hottest–and hardest–workouts include boot camp workouts, P90x, and Insanity.  The infomercials for these video exercise programs show men dripping with sweat, groaning in agony, and pushing themselves to the limit in order to get the lean, muscular, rippling body I enjoy ogling they want.

But things were not always so difficult for all of these poor men in pursuit of fitness.  Enter the manliest man of them all–Richard Simmons.  Our dear Richard is generally known for cavorting around with the ladies, dancing with them on stage in malls all across America, giving them the confidence to be seen in public “Sweatin’ to the Oldies.”  But Richard knew that men were not immune to the perils of low self-esteem from a less than stellar body.  Because a full THIRTY FIVE PERCENT of his letters come from men, he decided to create a program to help these poor men achieve weight loss results without resorting to grueling, painful workouts.

Enter “Farewell to Fat.”  Today’s seen on TV workout videos are all about feeling the burn and taking your workout to the extreme, and the titles prove it.  TurboFire and Chalean Extreme are only two examples that showwomen aren’t immune to this phenomenon of working out until you drop.  But with Farewell to Fat, the title reflects the softer side of working out.  You can practically see Richard’s wrist a-fluttering as he waves buh-bye to that unwelcome fat.  “Toodle-oo and farewell, fat, old friend!”

With Farewell to Fat, Richard Simmons invited men into his world of booty-shakin’ workouts.  Mall stages weren’t just for women anymore:

Richard Simmons:  The Great Equalizer

(I can’t let this post go without drawing your attention to the spectacular molestache at 0:58.)