If you have been reading the SeenOnTVExpress blog for any length of time, you know I’m not above a little snark when a particular product strikes me as frivolous, silly, outdated, or just plain weird.  However, I recently stumbled across another As Seen On TV blog that was ridiculing a new product that, well, frankly, I think is genius.  It is clear that the writer of the other blog does not have any small children in his or her home, or instead of sniping about the product, he/she would be ordering that puppy NOW.

The product in question is the Dog Dicer, and I think it ranks right up there in brilliance with the Disney Gyro Bowl–you know, the bowl that will not spill no matter how amped up your kid may be on Pop Rocks or Mountain Dew or whatever else grandma has been letting them have against your specific instructions.  The Dog Dicer is a product that slices and halves a hot dog in one motion, like so:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67FZKukJ6v4

Now, being well-versed in sarcasm and cynicism myself, I get the comments of the Clearly-Not-A-Parent-Blogger.  Like, using a knife is soooo hard, right?  I believe I may have even used that same line of logic on another hot dog-related product, myself (remember the Happy Hot Dog Man?).  But here’s why the Dog Dicer is different and far above my usual snide comments:  it saves time and makes safety almost idiot-proof.

As silly as it may sound to non-parental types, hot dogs are the leading cause of choking among kids.  Pediatricians warn parent to cut up hot dogs to prevent choking, because the hot dog is the same circumference as a young child’s esophagus.  There has even been proposed legislation to require changing the shape of hot dogs to prevent choking, because these windpipe-shaped sausages are practically the perfect storm of asphyxiation.  However, far too often, I have seen well-meaning parents slice their kids’ hot dogs–leaving them with smaller pieces that are still the exact same circumference and shape as the whole hot dog.  Hot dogs are supposed to be halved lengthwise prior to slicing to prevent choking.  The Dog Dicer slices lengthwise and crosswise in one motion, ensuring that the hot dog is sliced into safely-shaped pieces.

Now, a knife is perfectly suited to the task, but it takes some time.  When you’ve got a hungry and potentially cranky toddler waiting on a hot dog, everybody is happier if you get it to the table as quickly as possible.  Plus, one thing any mom could use more of is time.

I’m not sure I would have rushed right out and bought a Dog Dicer, but when they showed it quartering grapes?  Sold.  Have you ever had to quarter grapes for a toddler?  Those little suckers roll all over the place, and it takes forever.  I nearly swooned with desire when I saw that lady line up ten or so grapes, press a lever, and gloriously reveal safely chopped grapes.  Over the course of two to three years of lunches and snacks, can you imagine how much time you’d save on grapes alone?  It’s magnificent, I tell you.

I guess the moral of my story is that As Seen On TV products are generally creative ways of problem solving.  Even if a product may seem silly to you, Mr. Bachelor Infomercial Blogger, for someone out there, it is the perfect solution.*

*This in no way means I’m going to stop being snarky.  I like to make rules that apply to other people–not to myself.

One of the really, really hard things about working for a company that offers As Seen On TV products is that you want to buy almost everything you see.  We’ve discussed before how infomercial products are designed to fill a need that you may not have even realized you had, so when I see a product that solves any dilemma in my life, or that looks fun, or that will make things easier, or . . . well, I just want it.  A lot.

Of course, money does not, in fact, grow on trees, so I have really worked to curb my impulse spending.  Instead buying the things that I oh-my-goodness-have-to-have-now, I have started keeping a mental As Seen On TV wishlist.  Here are some of my top picks on infomercial products that I desperately want (and will only be able to refrain from buying for so long):

1. The Instyler – Smooth, shiny, and bouncy hair?  Eliminate frizzies in less time?  Straight hair that isn’t smashed flat and limp?  Using one tool to curl or straighten?  Who wouldn’t love this?!  Sign me up.
2. The Flex Mini – Okay, seriously.  A butt workout without working out.  A lunge-free and squat-free way to get firm thighs and rounded glutes.  It’s on.
3. Big Top Cupcake – I don’t honestly know why I want this so badly.  I just do.  I think it would be fun to make these for my son’s birthday parties.  Or maybe it’s just the idea of a ginormous cupcake sounds so heavenly.
4. Luminess Airbrush Tan – I was raised in the era of the “healthy glow” by a mother who ingrained in me that “tan fat looks better than white fat,” but am now forced to face the facts about the sun’s damaging properties.  With an airbrush tan, maybe I could have that sunkissed look I love without those pesky wrinkles and melanoma.
5. Gyro Bowl – I have a toddler.  End of story.

Of course, this is an incomplete list of Stuff I Want.  I pretty much want every Beachbody exercise DVD program and all of the plants that let me grow my own cherries/blueberries/peppers/insert-produce-here at home.  As long as I’m doing this, I know my As Seen On TV wishlist will continue to grow like grass on a Canada Green lawn.

On a side note, a few of the products to which I’ve already succumbed include Strap Perfect, Kangaroo Keeper, Emery Cat, Snuggie, and Bare Lifts–all of which have been well worth it!

What’s on your infomercial wishlist?

One thing as seen on TV products are designed to do is make you feel like your ordinary way of doing things is completely ineffective.  Without these innovative infomercial products, you will be doomed to a mundane, fruitless life.  This is particularly true when it comes to kitchen products and cooking utensils.  How anyone ever managed to prepare a healthy, delicious family meal in the days before Ron Popeil is anyone’s guess.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a complete sucker for kitchen gadgets.  I once spent $45 on a tomato slicer (a fact which shall forever remain unknown to Mr. Way Back Wednesday).  Now I am able to slice tomatoes of perfectly even thickness, without squishing them into odd little oval-shaped slices and getting tomato guts everywhere.  Now isn’t that worth $45?  I’ll also admit that I’m going to be more than a little disappointed if there isn’t a Big Top Cupcake waiting for me on my birthday, and that the Slap Chop is the perfect way to take out frustrations in the kitchen.  And every time I feed the Way Back Wednesday Toddler (or as we call him, Way Little Wednesday), I long for a Gyro Bowl.

On the subject of today’s Way Back Wednesday, though, I’m a little torn.  I mean, this thing is either one of the more ridiculous things I’ve seen, or it is brilliant and I absolutely need one.  I’m talking about Pancake Puffs here.   With the Pancake Puffs pan, you no longer have to suffer through boring, flat pancakes–you can have round, giant-doughnut-hole looking pancakes!  Christopher Columbus would be proud:

Oh, wow.  How would you like to be the kid who wakes up on his birthday to find not a birthday cake, but a giant mound of frosted balls?

Now, some of those puffs sounded pretty delicious, but others made me want to throw up a little.  Plus, it the whole filling injector seemed a little creepy to me.

But hey–it comes with 50 flippin’ sticks.  What more could you want?