As Seen On TV Blog

We’re not quite going way back for today’s post, but this little number is too good to pass up.  Lazy people all around the world (myself included) are searching for the perfect way to lose weight and trim their waistlines with absolutely no effort whatsoever.  The geniuses at Perfect Creations have heard the cry of the lethargic and fat, and they have answered with . . . the Hawaii Chair.  You’ve just got to love an infomercial product with the slogan, “You don’t have to exercise.  The Hawaii Chair will do it for you.”   Seen on TV shows such as Ellen, the Hawaii Chair seat swivels around to move your bulk in a hula-like fashion to tighten your waist and make you look like a complete fool:

Is it just me, or did anyone else do a double take when the guy says, “Oooh.  This feels great on my a . . . bs”? 

Now, the product itself and the infomercial are not the only ridiculous things about the Hawaii Chair.  In fact, Hawaii Chair’s website offers even more fun.  You see, it has been quite poorly translated and includes such gems as, “Old men can use the Hawaii Chair easily to help improve the operation of digestive and cardiovascular systems.”  Take heed, Old Men!  According to the website, you can also use the Hawaii Chair to “thaw and loosen redundant fat” on the buttocks, thighs, and waist.  And let me tell you, there is nothing worse than frozen redundant fat. 

Seriously.

Today we bring Way Back Wednesday to you all the way from 1992.  Jane Fonda, aerobics guru extraordinaire, could be seen on tv frequently, promoting her various aerobics videos and workout equipment.  Nearly 20 years ago, she brought us her New Step Aerobic Workout (how’s that for a great title?).  Along with the 45-minute step workout, you received a bench step with a FREE intensity level.  I mean, you could have just received two lousy levels with your order, but they threw one in FREE!  You could step on four inches, six inches, or tumble gracelessly from a height of eight inches:

Now, personally, I think that the true secret to the effectiveness of the workout lay in the size and thickness of the socks.  I mean, those suckers had to add a good five, ten pounds at least.

In the infomercial, Fonda notes that step aerobics provides less stress on the joints, but through the years, we have discovered that step aerobics is, in fact, jarring on the joints.  As workout philosophy and technology has evolved, trainers have learned ways to maintain the quality of a step workout while eliminating the stress on the bones and joints.  Two notable exercise equipment products include the TreadClimber, made by the fitness geniuses at Bowflex, and the AirClimber, which gives you the benefits of an aerobic step workout, but cushions your step through air-filled bellows beneath the steps.

Ginormous socks are optional, but do you really want to minimize your efforts by wearing normal socks?

I have a little secret to share with you:  I used to be a librarian.  Shhhh!  One of the sad facts for a bibliophile like me is that books seem to be slowly disappearing.  Kindles, eReaders, e-books, and more are taking the place of actual, physical, paper and ink books.  This is especially true when it comes to encyclopedia sets.  Huge, multivolume sets have been replaced by online versions.  Remember plagiarizing World Book for all of your grade school reports?  Now copying the encyclopedia verbatim has become much easier by using the cut and paste features of your favorite word processing system.

My nostalgia for old-school learning brings us today’s Way Back Wednesday infomercial from 1992–the year I graduated from high school with no help from the internet whatsoever.  This advertisement for Encyclopedia Britannica is a bizarre conversation between a young man in Sally Jesse glasses, a voice over man who is not James Earl Jones, and a tv-watching child, whom I suspect is Annie Potts of Designing Women fame:

Now, this infomercial is intended to poke fun at televsion marketing, but it completely fails to sell the product in doing so.  There are no benefits listed, no examples provided–other than to show you that elephants are listed in volume 4, and that they are endangered.  Really, this commercial gives absolutely no incentive to buy the encyclopedia.

Compare the vintage Encyclopedia Britannica to a commercial for the all new Hooked on Phonics Learn to Read system.  This commercial outlines the educational benefits of the program, details what is included with the system, and uses interactivity to engage emerging readers.

Maybe the next generation of readers will revive the book.  Paper pages — how very retro-chic!

*Ten points to you if you got the Animal House reference in the title.

Virtually everyone I know is looking for an easy way to lose weight and burn fat--without diet, without exercise, and without effort.  For years, gimmicks have been around trying to convince people of the next weight loss breakthrough.  In 1984, that “miracle pill” was Grapefruit 45, a supposed weight-loss pill with the fat-burning power of grapefruit.  Get a load of this wooden acting:

Now, the seen on tv marketers of Grapefruit 45 at least try to inject some honesty into their inflated claims.  For example, after crushing a grapefruit in his fist, the mustachioed spokesman says, “I know a lot of you believe grapefruit burns fat.”  Notice he doesn’t tell the viewers that grapefruit does burn fat; he just says some suckers believe it.   Also note the disclaimer:  “‘Fat Burn’ perception scientifically unsubstantiated.”

I guess these disclaimers give the marketers license to make wild claims like, “I lost 9 pounds the first week,” and, “I already lost 24 pounds, and I never get hungry.”  And of course there’s the lady who used to eat a grapefruit for lunch but now just pops a Grapefruit 45 and eats “delicious foods” and still loses weight.

Today, buyers are much more savvy.  While millions of people are looking for an easy, rapid weight loss approach, most of them know better than to look at a product whose claims of effectiveness are based solely on people’s perceptions.  People are looking for weight loss supplement with ingredients clinically proven to help one lose weight.  Modern seen on TV products such as SBL Lean, Formula 9, and Emagrece Sim combine ingredients designed to boost metabolism and curb appetite.  These new products appeal to our desire for rapid results as well as our knowledge that claims of effectiveness need to be based on scientific fact, not just on the beliefs of the masses.

All that typing made me hungry.  I wonder if there’s a grapefruit around here anywhere . . .

Today’s Way Back Wednesday goes way, way back--all the way to 1979.   Ron Popeil, the founder of Ronco, has been bringing his as seen on tv products to the airwaves for forty years.  With classic infomercial products such as 6 Star Knives and the Pocket Fisherman, Ronco has become a staple in as seen on tv inventions.

One of the early Ronco products was Mr. Microphone, and its infomercial has to be my favorite yet.  Some of the Way Back Wednesday videos are pretty funny, but this one actually made my sides hurt.  Mr. Microphone was a wireless mic designed to broadcast your voice over any FM radio, and guaranteed to liven up any party.  Just watch:

You can see that this karaoke predecessor was perfect for all kinds of people:

• Kids
• Professional Entertainers
• Drunken Party-Goers
• Crazy Dancing Transistor Radio Guys
• Pervy Cat-Calling Potential Kidnappers
• Amateur Roller Derby Teams, including Roller Skating Grandmas!

And at only $14.88, Mr. Microphone was a bargain!  For only a little more than $5 extra, you could order Mr. Microphone II, which also included a radio, batteries, and an 8-foot connecting cord.   I’m sure Mr. Microphone was stuffing all the stockings in December 1979.

On our Way Back Wednesday posts, we’ve looked at a lot of different seen-on-tv products, and we’ve seen the evolution of the television infomercial.  The Mr. Microphone commercial reminds us of a kinder, gentler time, when someone could jive through the park, singing aloud through his transistor radio without being institutionalized, and a man could yell out the car window at innocent bystanders without fear of being added to the national sex offender registry.  Ah, those were the days.

Some of us here at SeenOnTV Express are quite handy (not me).  In fact, one of us (not me) is a terrific carpenter and can build actual furniture--furniture that stands up straight and everything.

(Note:  I made a cookbook shelf in shop class in seventh grade.  For some reason, my mother never hung it on the wall with cookbooks proudly displayed.  I can’t imagine why not.)

Today’s Way Back Wednesday retro infomercial product looks like it actually worked pretty well.  I’ll have to save all my mockery and snarky comments for the commercial script itself.  The Powerdriver is a power screwdriver that was sold on television in 1984.  The Powerdriver had an adjustable head and even adjustable depth to keep you from drilling your screw all the way through the other side.

The Powerdriver infomercial is a veritable gold mine of “But Wait, There’s More!”  With Powerdriver, you also got a 7-piece “nut driver” set (these look like socket wrenches to me, but I’m no carpenter) and a nail driver (which seems impossible, but if it really works, I want one).  In 1986, the Powerdriver set was sold along with the Power Wheel, a sander/saw contraption, an unstoppable tool combination if ever there was one.

Behold the Powerdriver:

Now, I may be lacking in mad skills when it comes to carpentry, but I can promise you this:  I have never tried to hammer a screw, nor have I amputated a thumb with a “fancy” screwdriver.

I love it when the pitchman calls the long screw a “monster that would twist your wrist off the old way.”  Quite dramatic, no?  Another catchy phrase is the reference to a regular screwdriver as a “blister buster.”  And did you  notice the paneling?  It nearly caves in with the force of the Powerdriver!  Go back and watch it.  I’ll wait.

The original Powerdriver does not seem to be available today.  A keyword search for “powerdriver” turns up computer drivers and wrestling moves (did you notice the YouTube comment that says that “Powerdriver” sounds like a heavy metal band?).  However, if today’s Way Back Wednesday has left you with a hankering for power tools, check out the Dual Power Saw Plus.  If you are stuck with your old blister busters, though, try organizing them and keeping them handy with the Tool Bandit.

Now quit reading this and go build something already.

Have you ever stood in front of your closet, eyeing your wardrobe with dismay because you simply have nothing to wear?  Have you ever thought your clothes were just too drab, too plain, too boring?  Well, then Way Back Wednesday has a solution for you!  If you suffer from a shortage of blinginess, then jump into the Seen On TV Express Time Machine, and travel with us back to the 1980′s, when hair was big and sweatshirts were sparkly.

That’s right--this week, we’re talking about none other than the BeDazzler.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  The BeDazzler is still available today, and it really is a good way to inexpensively recreate some of today’s fashions.  Instead of paying upwards of $200 for designer embellished jeans, or dropping a small fortune on a sparkly “Princess” t-shirt, you can use the BeDazzler to create your own custom style.  This infomercial product is one that has actually stood the test of time.  In fact, the BeDazzler was first sold through direct marketing in the 1970s, and it was voted one of the “Top 100 Gadgets” by Mobile PC Magazine in 2005.

While the product may still be alive and kickin’, the 1980′s infomercial marketing the wardrobe enhancer deserves a proper burial:

“Don’t be dull, be dazzling!”

Now that I know how to cover an entire blazer in rhinestones and silver studs, I just need to find a product that will allow me to quickly and easily create that perfect side ponytail.

I’ll admit that I’m pretty much a klutz, and if there is a way to mess something up, I’ll find it and expand on it, creating a glorious fiasco of the simplest task.  However, even I can manage to accomplish many of the tasks deemed so completely difficult and virtually impossible by television infomercials.  The marketing of many seen on TV products relies heavily on the concept of making a difficult task easy.  After all, who knew a traditional blanket was such an unwieldy contraption until the invention of the Snuggie?  (As someone who smugly mocked the Snuggie when it first came out, I became a devoted fan during a blizzard last winter.  I could hold a baby and keep myself bundled up without smothering us both.)

As I was researching this week’s Way Back Wednesday blog post, I came across the following video, a “Tribute to Doing it Wrong.”  This video takes several of the many examples of How to Screw Up Simple Tasks demonstrated in television infomercials, and sets the montage to the classic Beatles tune “Help.”  Fitting, no?

It just kind of makes me feel warm inside to see people who are so much better than I am at failing royally.  Walking?  Too hard!  Using a blanket?  Impossible!  Pouring milk?  Never!

Thank goodness for products which make our lives so much easier and take the fail out of surviving another day full of obstacles and hazards.

Last week, we at SeenOnTV Express reminisced about the perplexing little contraption known as the FlowBee:  half vacuum, half haircutting device, and 100% confusion.  However, the FlowBee is not the only infomercial product designed to style your hair in the most mystifying of ways.  Today we look at another bizarre product designed to give you the hair you have always dreamed of--if, that is, you have always dreamed of spray painting your head.

GLH (which stands for “Good Looking Hair,” of course) is a “hair spray paint” designed to cover bald spots and thinning hair.  GLH is made up of spray paint and fibers that “mimic real hair follicles.”  Despite being featured on Way Back Wednesday, GLH is still available; however, it earns  its spot in our retrospective due to its early infomercial beginnings when it was hawked in the early 90′s by Ron Popeil, legendary inventor, pitchman, and founder or Ronco, one of the leading companies in as seen on TV marketing.  Popeil was awarded the “Ig Nobel Prize” in Consumer Engineering in 1993.  The awards were originally given to “discoveries that cannot, or should not, be reproduced,” but the intent was later revised to reward 10 achievements that “”first make people laugh, and then make them think.”  The Ig Nobel Prize committe, which includes scientists and Nobel Laureates, described Popeil as the ”incessant inventor and perpetual pitchman of late night television,” and said his inventions redefined the Industrial Revolution.

In the following video, Ron Popeil is seen promoting the Ronco product GLH.  In this video, he actually spray paints his own head.  Without laughing.  Theoretically, GLH provides the illusion of actual growing hair rather than a vast expanse of baldness.  To me it looks like--well--a spray painted bald spot.  Judge for yourself:

Lest we mock hair-in-a-can too much, lets keep in mind that GLH is one of many products designed to give the illusion of thicker hair by camouflaging the scalp.  The ubiquitous Joan Rivers has a new product called Great Hair Day.  Great Hair Day is a powder, not a spray like GLH, and it is applied in a much more subtle manner, using an applicator brush rather than an ozone-eating aerosol can.  Once again, infomercial evolution has managed to refine one of its more befuddling products. 

Unless, of course, you prefer to graffiti your own head.

This week’s post was inspired by my flat iron.  Whenever I leave the salon, my hair is smooth and shiny, but when I try to duplicate the results at home, my hair snags on the straightener and just looks fuzzy.  I’ve decided that I need to get a new straightener, and I’m trying to decide between the InStyler and the Paris Hilton Celebrity Styler.  Mulling my possibilities, I started to think about hairdos of the past, when I wanted anything but straight hair.  Frizzy perms, big bangs . . . ah, the mall hair of the 80′s.

And hair of the 80′s is what brings me to the topic of today’s post.  How could I possibly consider Way Back Wednesday to be an in-depth expose of popular infomercial products of the past without dredging up the FlowBee?

The FlowBee was the vacuum-slash-haircutting tool that people all across the nation were snatching up in order to give really bad haircuts to defenseless children.  The FlowBee was first seen on TV infomercials in 1988, and it was hawked by its creator, Rick Hunt.   Hunt was a carpenter who thought that there had to be a good way to get the sawdust out of his hair . . . and give himself a haircut at the same time.  Thus, the FlowBee was born.

Hunt took his invention to the television airwaves and launched a home-styling phenomenon.  How could the FlowBee fail to be successful when it was marketed with such lines as, “I’m a carpenter.  I’m not a hairdresser,” and the oh-so-convincing line, “As you can see, it’s a pretty good haircut for one I did on myself.”

That’s right.  It’s not just “pretty good.”  It’s pretty good for a haircut that a carpenter with no experience or training as a stylist gave himself.

Doesn’t that just make you want to rush right out and buy one?

But wait.  There’s more.

The FlowBee wasn’t just a motorized haircutting apparatus with spinning blades. The blades were actually attached to a vacuum hose.  With its rotating blades and vacuum hose, the FlowBee was one infomercial product that really . . . um . . . sucked.  No more difficult, unweildy broom to help you sweep up the remnants of your home-haircut.  The FlowBee just whisked all that mangled hair right down the hose, getting rid of all the evidence of your do-it-yourself ‘do.

Well.  Not all the evidence.  You still had to walk around in public with your FlowBee haircut.  But hey–it’s pretty good for a haircut you did yourself.