As Seen On TV products are well-known as innovations that solve problems.  Sometimes, they even solve problems you didn’t know you had until you see the perfect product to eliminate all hassles involved with whatever task or chore is at hand.  Though infomercial products are generally creative inventions that make life easier, occasionally, a product comes along that attempts to solve a problem that doesn’t even exist.

Enter the Katsak.

Katsak was promoted on QVC in the early 1990s as an As Seen On TV cat toy designed to keep your family’s feline entertained.  If you’ve ever owned a cat, you know that an unentertained cat is a fat cat, and that finding a toy to keep your cat busy can be a chore.  Cats are definitely finicky.  The Katsak was created to appeal to a cat’s natural instincts:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rChjMRfi40c

As a cat owner and reformed Crazy Cat Lady, I can speak with full authority when I say that cats do, in fact, love bags and crinkly noises–preferably in the middle of the night.  However, I can also say with full authority that Katsak, at $24.35, does not fill any need.  Crinkly sounding bags are freely available whenever you buy your groceries or stop at your local discount store.  I’m sure my cat would totally dig Katsak–preferably in the middle of the night–but I could easily save my $25 and leave a plastic WalMart bag or brown paper grocery sack on the living room floor.

We’ve talked before about pitchmen and how their sale techniques can really create a desire to buy.  I’m thinking perhaps Mike Rowe, who is selling Katsack in the above QVC video, could take a lesson or two from Anthony Sullivan.  I mean, you can tell that Rowe thinks the Katsack is a ridiculous waste of money, and he seems to be completely bored with his job.  Of course, if I were making a living pitching overpriced sacks, I might be a little uninspired by my work as well.

Despite the ludicrousness of the Katsak, there are a number of infomercial products for your cat or dog that are well worth the money.  From grooming to safety to play, infomercial pet care products can keep your dog or cat healthy, fit, and entertained.   For a full listing of the infomercial pet products we offer, please visit our As Seen On TV pet product catalog.

As I was researching topics for this week’s SeenOnTV Blog post, I came across an infomercial for the Double Burner, a piece of As Seen On TV exercise equipment circa 1992.  I don’t actually recall this specific infomercial–perhaps that is because in 1992 I was graduating from high school and starting college, and I may or may have been preoccupied with more important things, like prepping for the SAT or meeting cute college boys.  Though the Double Burner itself does not ring a bell with me, it definitely reflects two of the hottest fitness trends of the eighties and nineties:  the stair stepper and the cross country ski machine.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=desxwsNC-oY&feature=related

I love the Double Burner infomercial, I must say.  Rather than smoothly gliding through their workouts, the fitness models look like they are sludging through mud, leaving me to think the Double Burner could use a double dose of WD-40.  But even as they trudge through this difficult workout, they manage to stay sexy; Little Miss Purple-Sports-Bra-and-Pink-Slouch-Socks even manages to drop an over-the-shoulder come-hither glance.

By combining stepping action with cross-country ski arms, the Double Burner users certainly seem to be working harder than their Easy Glider using counterparts.  After all, the Easy Glider was a cross-country ski machine alone.  While Easy Glider users and Double Burner users shared similar fitness attire (spandex, anyone?), those poor Easy Gliders just didn’t have the sex appeal of the Double Burners:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=VOo0WwCuujE&NR=1

“Hey.  For the money, Easy Glider really is the best.”  Is that really a selling point?  Saying it is the best you can get for $19.95?  Still, for the budget conscious, the Easy Glider may have trumped the $177 Double Burner.  Besides, just look how pleased Little Miss Lavender Lycra is when she slides her Easy Glider under the bed.  Also?  I’m pretty sure we owned this back in the day.

The Double Burner, however, was on to something with its 2-in-1 approach to infomercial exercise equipment.  Through the process of As Seen On TV product evolution, greater things have come to pass.  My favorite example is the Bowflex Treadclimber, which combines treadmill, stair stepper, and elliptical trainer into one effective machine.  While the Treadclimber fitness models feature smokin’ hot bodies, like those oiled up Double Burners, they don’t seem like they are actively trying to seduce you.  The Bowflex Treadclimber is legit–giving you an effective calorie burning workout without having to resort to the sex-sells approach of the early nineties.  Slouch socks optional.

Last week I wrote about As Seen On TV kitchen products, and this week is more of the same–although with a twist.  Last week I talked about getting ready for holiday cooking with the Butterball Indoor Electric Turkey Fryer, but this week, I have a more pressing cooking engagement on my mind.  This weekend I’ll be throwing a birthday party.  A 40th birthday party.  Which means I’ll have to make cake.  Which means I need some As Seen On TV bakeware, pronto.  But I’ll get to that in a minute.

See, because this is a 40th birthday party, we’ve decided to go with an 80′s theme.  It’s like Halloween, only earlier and for old people.  Anyway, I’ve been trying to find ways to make this a truly memorable party, even though the guest of honor may soon begin losing his memory as he gets really, really old.

First, I need a costume.  By costume,  I mean I need to raid my clothing in storage to see if anything still fits.  I considered wearing a fitness getup like one from a 1980′s infomercial exercise video:

Then I remembered that no one wants to see me in a leotard.

I know we’re going to have an 80′s soundtrack playing all night, and so I thought one of the Time Life Music compilations might just fit the bill for our evening of New Wave, One Hit Wonders, and Hair Bands.

I thought maybe I could practice some sweet dance moves with the 1980′s infomercial break dance tutorial by Alfonso Ribeiro, “Pop and Lock:”

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPWzDsS2oaw

Then I remembered the only thing I’m likely to break is a hip.

So I’m settling for making a Pac Man cake.  I figure it can’t be to hard to mess up, right?  I mean, I bake a round cake, cut out a wedge, and frost it yellow.  What could possibly go wrong?

Except I decided that if I have a Pac Man, I need a Ghost.  So . . . okay.  I make a rectangle cake and cut it into the shape of a Pac Man Ghost, then frost it pink or blue.  Okay.  I think I’ve still got it.  No problem.

Except I decided that if I have a Pac Man and a Ghost, then I need some Power Pellets to connect them.  Why do I do this to myself?

Luckily, the Power Pellets should be about the easiest part of this cake.  Maybe even easier than Pac Man, because I can almost guarantee I won’t be able to frost it smoothly and there will be crumbs all in the icing.  Why am I convinced the Power Pellets will be so easy?  Because I’m making CAKE POPS.

Now, traditionally, cake pops or cake balls are simple but time consuming.  They involve baking a cake, crumbling it, mixing in frosting, chilling, rolling a bazillion balls, dipping, more chilling . . . you get the picture.  But even though I keep adding to my party t0-do list, I’m not one for time consuming projects.

Enter Bake Pop and Tasty Top Cake Pops.  These two new As Seen On TV cake pop baking pans will let me make perfectly round Power Pellets without any crumbling or rolling.  I can just pour the cake batter into the bakeware, bake it, and I’ll have the most enviable (and delicious) Power Pellets around.

Now–it’s off to find a crimper and some industrial strength hairspray.  It’ll be, like, totally awesome.

It seems to me that mainstream television commercials are taking a cue from As Seen on TV product advertising and cashing in on the cult following retro infomercials enjoy.  If you’re wondering what on earth I’m talking about, let me just give you an example.

First, remember our Way Back Wednesday blog story about Tom Vu?  Vu hawked his As Seen on TV real estate program with the help of a rags-to-riches immigrant story–as well as buxom bikini babes and expensive toys like a yacht, a Rolls Royce, and a helicopter.  In case you’ve forgotten the old Tom Vu infomercials, or if you haven’t been keeping up with the SeenOnTV Express blog, here’s a commercial to help with the upcoming comparison:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K853GykeGH0

Now, fast forward twenty-five years or so to 2011.  DirecTV, a leading satellite television provider, has recently started airing humorous commercials that seem to spoof the elite and filthy rich.  You may have seen “The Russian” (a commercial that launched a parody website selling miniature giraffes, Sokoblovsky Farms Petite Lap Giraffes*).  DirecTV’s latest offering is “The Whale,” featuring comedian Dat Phan in an appearance that looks strikingly familiar, no?

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFDUOfRXP_k

In case you’ve missed the connection between “The Whale” and Tom Vu, let me make it a little more clear.  ”The Whale” makes repeated references to his casino winnings and going “all in.”  Tom Vu has made more than $1,500,000 in casino poker winnings, including placing second in the 2007 World Series of Poker and a ninth place finish in the Season Five World Poker Tour championship.

Deja Vu, indeed.

*I am number 1,241,584 on the waiting list for my own Petite Lap Giraffe.  I’m sure it will happen soon.  In the meantime, I wonder where I can get a ginormous panda.

As Seen on TV Sunglasses, 1990′s Style

On the first day of summer, we bring you an innovation in sun protection, “an important development that’s keeping pace with the changing look of the 1990′s.”  This “important development” was a veritable revolution, changing the way active, beautiful people protect their bright, beautiful eyes from harmful UV rays.  As you will see from the infomercial, influenced not only sun care and eye protection, but also fashion accessories for the following decades.

Or maybe not.

Behold the Digi Sportlens:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8odl5Z874e8

According to the Digi Sportlens commercial, prior to the 1990′s, the sun’s rays were not harmful.  It was perfectly safe to sunbathe, tan, and otherwise bask in the sun’s rays without protection.  That’s why all those prairie farm girls wore bonnets and why the brims of cowboy hats are so wide–because WHO KNEW that sun could be damaging?

The beach-strolling pitch-couple warns that the 1990′s sun is more menacing than the “kinder, gentler” sun of previous eras due to the CFC’s that damaged the ozone layer.  Such a vitriolic sun could only be defeated by a technological breakthrough:  The Giant Visor Sunglasses Combo.

Perhaps the infomercial tactic of threatening people with imminent doom from a corroding ozone layer was not the best approach, because further Digi Sportlens commercials added emphasis to the fashionable nature of the beast:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaZNbReRAD8

That’s right, folks.  The Digi Sportlens is a “state-of-the-art modular system that conforms to the contours of your face.”  (And ohmygoodness, don’t you just love that guy’s shirt?!)  In this version of the infomercial, beautiful, big haired, bathing beauties parade around in their oh-so-stylish Digi Sportlens visors.

By the sheer number of Digi Sportlens rip-offs we still see today (approximately zero by my last count), we can clearly see that this trend took off like . . . fanny packs.

One thing they did get right, and that is that savvy consumers know that the sun’s rays are damaging, particularly to the eyes and the delicate skin around the eyes.  However, people aren’t willing to sacrifice style by wearing ginormous visor glasses.  As Seen On TV sunglasses like the HD Vision Aviators and Eagle Eyes Sunglasses offer superior sun protection, visual clarity, and stylish frames.

Because even if you are built like a brick house, Digi Sportlens is still going to make you look like a raging goofball.

Life Mimics Art, and As Seen On TV Exercise Products are No Exception

Strangely shaped walking shoes designed to shape and firm your derriere have recently become quite popular.  On one hand, I’m intrigued, because anything that will give me a workout without me having to, you know, work out sounds a-okay to me.  On the other hand, I think these shoes with the bulky, curved soles look flat ridiculous.  Whenever I see them, I can’t help but think of the old Seinfeld episode, “The Jimmy.”

In “The Jimmy,” George and Jerry befriend Jimmy who wears special shoes that are supposed to help him jump higher.  Somehow, Kramer ends up wearing the shoes, and yada, yada, yada . . . Mel Torme thinks he’s mentally challenged.

This is what Jimmy’s shoes look like:

As much as I think the new shape-up, toning shoes look ridiculous and make me think of Jimmy’s shoes, I found As Seen On TV exercise equipment from the 1980′s and 1990′s that out-jimmies Jimmy.

Enter the Exerlopers:

The spring-soled Exerlopers are designed to:

• Reduce shock to the joints associated with running
• Maximize your workout by adding varied motion to your running
• Increase your speed and your vertical leap with spring supported action
• Make you look like a complete fool

Exerlopers were developed in the mid-1980′s by Canadian inventor Gregory Lekhtman, and enjoyed celebrity fame in 1993 when Lekhtman’s girlfriend, then-Canadian Prime Minister Kim Campbell, was seen wearing Exerlopers as she exercised.

Exerlopers are still available today, and you can even adapt them for an at-home workout using Insta-Runner.  According to the Exerlopers website, Insta-Runner is a “unique collapsible running stand which provides a workout for the upper and lower body.”  The handlebars on the Insta-Runner swivel to provide upper body resistance while you run in place wearing your Exerlopers.

As Seen on TV Exercise Equipment for Multi-Taskers

The idea behind Exerlopers is sound exercise advice.  Why simply run when you can run AND jump at the same time?  Why do cardio alone when you can combine cardio and strength training in one workout?  People want maximum results in minimum time, and infomercial exercise videos and equipment that allow you to combine effective fitness routines are among the most popular As Seen On TV products available.

The Bowflex Treadclimber combines the motion of a stairclimber, a treadmill, and an elliptical trainer to amplify fat-burning cardio.  FlexShaper is designed to combine resistance training with aerobic exercise for simultaneous toning and fat burning.

Products using Electrical Muscle Stimulation (EMS), like the FlexBelt ab belt or the FlexMini butt and thigh toner, let you discreetly work out your abs or lower body as you go about your daily business.

Of course, if modesty is not important when it comes to your As Seen On TV exercise routine (you’re not still wearing spandex pants, are you?) then Exerlopers are, er, leaps and bounds beyond discretion.

Let’s face it.  All I had to do was put “Clap on!” in the title of this post and you now have the nearly 30-year-old jingle for The Clapper stuck in your head.

“Clap on!  Clap off!  Clap on, clap off–The Clapper!” the commercial proclaims with the precision of a military cadence.  And now, thanks to SeenOnTV Express and Way Back Wednesday, you too will be chanting this jingle.  All.  Day.  Long.

In case you were living in a cave or on a deserted island during the 1980′s and have no idea what I’m talking about, here’s the original Clapper commercial, as seen on TV during the era of big hair and Flock of Seagulls:

I find it hard to believe that we have been bringing you Way Back Wednesday’s retrospective look at infomercial products for nearly a year, and I have failed to discuss The Clapper, an icon of electronic innovation and extreme laziness.

After all . . . we had one.

My parents installed a Clapper in their bedroom–and by “installed,” I mean “plugged in.”   They plugged their television into the Clapper so that they could turn off the TV after the nightly news without getting out of bed.  As kids, we found it immensely entertaining to CLAP ON and CLAP OFF the television, and would even watch the 13-inch black and white TV in their room for the sheer elation of being the ones to get to clap twice and turn off the TV.  In fact, we would fight over the opportunity.

Which led to an interesting discovery.

You see, you don’t have to clap to turn a Clapper on and off.  Any loud noise will do.  In a household with four kids, any sibling brawl particularly heated argument could lead to the television flicking on and off repeatedly.

Once we realized how the Clapper was noise activated, our laziness increased.  Now we no longer had to use our arms!  We could lie motionless and shout, “TURN!  OFF!”  and the screen would go black, except for the lingering dot of light in the center of the television screen that would take an inordinately long time to finally fade away.

By the time I left for college, the novelty of the Clapper, still in use in the master bedroom, had dimmed like the screen of the tiny black and white television.  Perhaps that is because I was older.  Wiser.  More jaded.

Or perhaps it was because I didn’t know that the Clapper had been upgraded.  That’s right, folks–1992 issued in the Smart Clapper.  “How smart can it be?”  Funny you should ask:

Mock if you will, but I say we bring back the Clapper.  Sure we have remotes for our televisions now . . . but can you ever find yours when you need it?   What about Christmas lights?  Floor lamps?  And how will the kids be amused as you shout at them to CLEAN YOUR ROOM NOW if your appliances aren’t sporadically powered on and off during your tirade?

Clap on, my friend.  Clap on.

I’ve been thinking a lot about fitness lately (as evidenced by my post on the torturous Jillian Michaels DVD), and I’ve also been thinking a lot about wrinkles.  Let’s face it: I’m not getting any younger, and neither are you.  Lucky for us, the airwaves are rife with exercise equipment infomercials and as seen on TV anti-aging solutions.

Unfortunately,  those seen on television innovations include contraptions like this:

The Facial Flex looks both uncomfortable and ridiculous, but then again . . . those two words pretty much sum up how I look doing any type of exercise, so I don’t know why I would think facial exercise should be any different.  I’m a little skeptical that something that causes me to make facial contortions would also cause me to “feel it in my bra line,” but maybe that’s just me.

The QVC hostess asks, “If your New Year’s resolution is to look younger, why aren’t you working out your face?”  Why, indeed.

Typical anti-aging regimens include creams, serums, and magic potions, but facial exercise could be an alternative.   Just look what six weeks* with the Facial Flex can do:

Before

After

Doesn’t she look younger already?

*These claims are completely unfounded and wildly untrue.

I’m not sure what I ever did to cause “Television’s Toughest Trainer,” Jillian Michaels, to rain down her wrath upon me.  Maybe it was the doughnuts.  Or my insatiable love of cheese.  Whatever it is, Jillian’s tough love approach is . . . well, tough.

I’ve been writing a lot on the SeenOnTV Express blog about how we all feel the impending bathing suit season approaching.  We have a choice of how we greet the body-baring summer.  We can either whip ourselves into shape through a vigorous and renewed workout regimen, or we can throw our hands into the air in resignation and throw our ample behinds on the couch.

Personally, I tend toward the second approach.

This year, though, I’ve had the luck (?) to greet the summer about 25 pounds lighter than last summer, through a top secret weight loss plan.  You, my readers, are going to get the secret of my success–stress.  I used to mock people who said they were “too busy to eat,” or “forgot to eat,” but now I’m one of those people.  And while the Stress Diet* is highly effective at shedding the pounds, it is also highly effective at shedding the muscle.

*The Stress Diet can also have the opposite effect on some individuals, causing marathon doughnut and pizza eating sessions–not necessarily simultaneously, but maybe.  Or so I’ve heard.

While I’m excited to actually fit into my bathing suits, I am a little disappointed at the complete lack of muscle tone, and the complete non-lack of cellulite that accompanies it.  Yes, folks–I have become the dreaded “skinny fat” (which I prefer to being “fat fat,” but still.)

Enter Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred.

Now, Jillian has a whole diet and fitness website whose ads you may have seen on TV.  The program at JillianMichaels.com is geared as a weight loss program, and I’m not currently looking to lose weight (it’s even weird to say that), so I didn’t really want to go that route.  I do, however, know that I have a limited amount of time in which to work out, and that if I want any results, I need to maximize that time.  Jillian Michaels has a reputation for tough workouts, and each workout in the 30 Day Shred DVD is approximately 24 minutes, including warm-up and cool-down.  I figure even someone who “doesn’t have time to eat” can manage to squeeze this workout in.

I was a little concerned that such a short workout wouldn’t seem effective, but, man alive, was I wrong.

Each workout on the 30-Day Shred is comprised of a 2 minute warm up, followed by 3 circuits, followed by a 2 minute cool down.  Each circuit is based on Jillian Michaels 3-2-1 training system:  3 minutes of strength, two minutes of cardio, 1 minute of abs.

The strength portion consists of one single-muscle group exercise (for example, pushups) and one compound exercise (for example, squats with shoulder presses).  You might think 3 minutes of that doesn’t sound so bad, but it was all I could do to finish out each strength portion of the circuits.

Next up is two minutes of cardio.  Jillian prefers old-school cardio like jumping jacks and butt-kicks.  This works out well for me, because I suffer from what you might call a Lack of Coordination.  Fancy grapevine steps or anything remotely resembling a dance move will cause me to trip and possibly damage an integral body part.  Plus, this boot-camp style cardio is very effective.

Finally, you endure one terrible minute of abs.  The great thing about ab work is that you get to lie on the floor.  Trust me–after only 5 minutes of Jillian’s 3-2-1 combination, you will be ready to flop onto the floor.  The problem is that once you are done, she makes you get back up for two more 3-2-1 circuits.

I am an astounding 3 days into my 30-Day Shred, and I can tell you that every place where a muscle should be HURTS.  I need a geriatric handrail just to lower my aching quads so I can use the bathroom.  Pure.  Torture.

And I love it.

Less than half an hour, and I’m done.

I really do believe that in 30 days, this will make a significant change in my physique, or at least in the ratio of muscle:squishiness.

As for now, my squish hurts.  Check back with SeenOnTV Express in 30 27 days to find out if I still feel the same when I’ve finished my 30-Day Shred.  Maybe by then I’ll be ready to double my efforts and take on Rip:60.

Last week we looked at the influential copywriting of Arthur Schiff, who coined the phrase, “But wait, there’s more,” which was destined to become a classic line in  direct response marketing.  Schiff wrote these words as part of the Ginsu Knife infomercial, a television commercial that set the standard in how as seen on TV products are promoted.  No matter how persuasive the ad copywriting, however, an infomercial will be rendered ineffective without the proper delivery.

Enter the pitchman.

Originally used to identify a traveling salesman, a peddler, or a carnival barker, the term “pitchman” has grown to embrace salesmen of television infomercial products, particularly those who utilize aggressive and persuasive marketing strategies as part of the “pitch.”

The role of the pitchman has evolved from a faceless voice-over (as in the Ginsu infomercial) to that of pop culture icon.  While many as seen on TV products use celebrity endorsements as part of the pitch (for example, Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley for Total Gym), other pitchmen have become celebrities in their own right.  Perhaps the best known pitchmen of all time include Ron Popeil, Billy Mays, and Anthony Sullivan.

Popeil has been appearing in infomercials longer, selling his own inventions, including the Showtime Rotisserie Oven.  Mays, however, perfected the art of the pitch.  In fact, Billy Mays got his start as a pitchman in the traditional sense, working as a traveling salesman and hawking the Washmatik portable washer on the boardwalk at Atlantic City before becoming spokesman for Orange Glo International.  Mays promoted Orange Glo, OxiClean, and Kaboom! using his energetic pitch, becoming one of the most widely known and highly demanded infomercial pitchmen to date.

At the time of his death, Billy Mays was working closely with fellow television pitchman Anthony Sullivan.  The two not only made frequent infomercial appearances selling a variety of as seen on TV products, but also starred in the Discovery Channel program PitchMen, in which inventors would present their products to Mays and Sullivan, who would create infomercials for the products and pitch them in test markets.  After the death of Billy Mays,  Anthony Sullivan continued the show and the search for the perfect pitch.  In a recent episode, “Sully” reminisced about his friend and marked his absence at an infomercial convention:

PitchMen was not the only show to highlight the importance of aggressive, persuasive sales techniques and the salespeople who utilized them.  In 1999, a documentary film Pitch People was released that described “the art of the pitch” and spotlighted pitchmen who sold products through visual demonstration and direct response marketing.  The film, starring Ed McMahon, bills itself as “the true story of the world’s second oldest profession.”  View the Pitch People trailer here.

Perhaps the art of the pitch can best be summed up in the words of old-time pitchman Harry Mathison:

“It’s not what you sell, it’s how you tell them the price.”